Standing at the Trailhead of Winter

Friday evening, Lovely Beautiful Daughter and I traveled to Urbana to attend Made, a festival of music, poetry, and handmade arts and crafts. We chatted the entire way there, as we made our way through the booths of homemade soaps, funny magnets, pottery, and whimsical clay pots for succulents, and as we searched for the restaurant we decided to try out. On our way to the restaurant, the subject of the latest supreme court nominee came up. Lovely Beautiful Daughter, in so many words, wasn't sure the alleged events from thirty plus years ago should keep this man from being appointed. Maybe he's changed , she said. We continued talking after our appetizers had arrived. Maybe , I said. But doesn't she deserve to be heard? If he did what she says he did, she's been living with those nightmare memories for over thirty years. Lovely Beautiful Daughter nodded. Thankfully I've never experienced sexual assault , she said. At that, I could feel the tears wanting to ...

There are moments when I wonder why I continue teaching and think it would be good for my soul to go a different direction. Then I think I'm too old to start over. There's no way I could start anew and make the same kind of living I am currently enjoying. So I just sigh and continue the direction I've been going for the last twenty-five plus years. Then, out of nowhere, a message is sent telling me I'm doing exactly what I should be doing. This morning, as Ado and I were enjoying our early morning walk in a neighborhood I love strolling through because of the mid-century style homes, the tall, old trees, and the quiet, a car pulled up alongside. A voice called out my name, and I turned to see a former student. A student who had struggled due to responsibilities outside of school: work, divorce, kids. But he always managed to complete the work. He always offered his ideas and treated his peers with the utmost respect. He wore his desire for an education on his sleeve...

The other day, my husband came over to deliver Ado back after having him for a couple of hours in the afternoon. While I'm not keen on the whole sharing the dog situation, I do think it's good for Ado to have some time to run around a yard and enjoy being outside without being on a leash. When my husband came into the apartment, he asked if I had received his text. I told him no. I've told him several times I no longer receive his texts or calls, but for some reason he didn't believe me. He then asked me how is this possible, how could I not receive his texts? My response was this is what happens when a person is blocked. His anger sent him out the door which he whipped back behind him, slamming it so hard I was stunned the large picture window didn't break. The entire place shook, and the boom brought Angel Baby out of his room, wondering what had happened. For a year and a half, I've been open about not wanting to remain in this relationship. I did agree t...

The darn cold bug found me and crawled inside. Runny nose then stuffy nose then runny nose. Tired. Scratchy throat. I can't remember the last time I had a cold. When this one passes, I hope it's a long, long time before I get another one. Funny Delightful Son came home from school Friday. He prepared homemade pizza for all of us Saturday evening, and we sat around the kitchen table for several hours enjoying his creations. Lovely Beautiful Daughter had a squishy pink elephant named Ernest along, telling us about his escapades during the time she was at her second job, a Chinese restaurant. It was obvious the restaurant wasn't busy and she along with her co-worker were filling the time with silliness. At one point during dinner, I got up to check on Ado. He'd been sequestered to my bedroom since FDS's plus one was visiting and LBD's plus one was also visiting. Ado isn't a fan of either. Though he's met them several times and even seemed to come to ter...

Since starting back to work in August, I've been cycling to work nearly every day. I've had an odd day here or there when I rode the bus, like rainy days, but usually I ride my bike. This gives me ten miles a day, five miles to work and five miles to home. Depending on how fast I go, my Garmin tells me I burn anywhere from 230 - 280 calories with each five miles, so I burn around 500 calories a day by riding my bike (and this afternoon, after I arrived home, I achieved the 1000 miles cycled for the year -- really since June 1). Also since starting back to work in August, I've stopped eating breakfast. This came about for two reasons: 1) it frees up time in the morning. I used to spend anywhere from a half hour to 45 minutes making the meal and eating the meal. Now I use that time to read or clean the apartment; and 2) I wanted to try the intermittent fasting I'd read about. I was really never all that hungry after waking, and I wanted to try to lose about ten pounds...

So, after an early morning conference call, all I can say is, "I told you so." I've been telling my husband for a year and a half now that the financial burden was going to be laid on me since I'm the one with the steady, reliable income. He kept insisting we wouldn't be held responsible for the full amount because of his heart attack and unemployment. After reviewing each of our assets and expenses, the verdict came: one person is in the negative (my husband) and one person is in the positive (me). Because one person is in the positive (me), the full amount owed must be paid. I told you so. I told you so. I told you so. Sheesh. I mean really, it's not rocket science. It's money owed because someone thought he was smarter than the system and could get away with fudging numbers despite me constantly telling him he was going to cause financial problems for us. Gee, look what happened. Exactly what I said was going to happen. Even during the c...

Thursday, when I knew all of the folders/docs I'd had on my work computer were not going to be recovered, I told a colleague I was going to look at the situation as an opportunity to start with a clean slate. While I lost years of documents that pretty much told the story of my time at the college, do those documents really mean all that much? After all, I've already reached the top rung of the ladder regarding my teaching position -- I cannot go up. Thankfully, I cannot go down, either. I've reached a holding pattern. The clean slate just might be exactly what I need to move out of the holding pattern, move along the path that will be the next part of my life journey. As part of my clean slate state of mind, I went into work yesterday and set to work eliminating things that have been taking up space. I had two boxes of stuff -- trinkets students have given me over the years, pens, markers, paper clips, and a bunch of other little items I no longer need/use/want -- si...

Another morning with mist rising up from the bottom of the hillside. As Ado and I walked down the hill, I looked behind us and could see our footsteps in the soggy grass. My shoes soaked through from the dew and sloshed with each step. On cool days like this, Ado likes to walk faster and is even playful. He'll turn towards me then jump ahead as if he wants to run. He'll turn back to me and grab at his leash, take hold of it and begin prancing along as if he's taking me on a walk. Such a difference from the hot, humid days of summer when he drags himself along behind me. When we reached the bottom of the hill, we walked around the patch of wildflowers. The spider webs adorning the goldenrod and thistles stood out, the mist having covered them. I really wanted to hang around and see what everything looked like when the sun finally made it above the trees, but I had to be at work a bit earlier than usual since I'd been asked to do a short thesis workshop in a history...

Mist rose from the hillside this morning when Ado and I set out for our walk. The hot days then nights cooling way off effect. The night temps have dipped so much since the rain moved through last week that I've had to wear a sweatshirt for our early morning walks along the still-quiet streets. I love this time of day. Before everything gets hectic. Before someone says something that makes you pause or something happens that makes you just shake your head. The entire day has been absolutely gorgeous. Sunny but a cool breeze to keep the heat at bay. The sky without a single cloud. Yesterday on my way to work I noted how there were no clouds whatsoever. When I started home later in the afternoon, the clouds had moved in but they were just puffy white fluffs drifting slowly along. Today I figured the same would happen -- clear blue in the morning but fluffy clouds in the afternoon. I was wrong. There are no clouds. Just the blue expanse. Yesterday Angel Baby arrived home from work...

My first book on loan arrived. I have a month to read it, so at 227 pages total, that's 7.5 pages a day. I think I can handle that. I read the first page on my walk from the library back to my office, so I only have 6.5 pages left for today's reading. I really enjoyed the first page, so I think the rest of the book will be a fun read. Yesterday, Lovely Beautiful Daughter dropped by on her way to Goodwill. I tagged along as another goal I'm working on is only buying new used clothing rather than new new clothing. I've winnowed out a lot of clothes from my closet that I never wore or simply no longer liked for whatever reason, so I thought a trip to Goodwill might net me a piece or two I will enjoy wearing. I found a light peach button down with pearl snap buttons and a dark brown corduroy skirt. Both fit really well, and I can't wait to wear the skirt with the boots I bought for my Christmas present last year. The shirt and skirt came to $8. That's a deal. Th...

After Friday's all-day rain and more rain right up til about noon yesterday, when a break came, I took it. I needed to get out, even if just for a quick trip to Target. I could tell by the traffic at the entrance to the mall area that lots of other people had the same idea. And the store parking lot was the proverbial zoo, with people waiting for parking spaces and drivers getting testy with one another. I thought about turning around and heading home, but I like having a candle lit when I meditate, and my candle had burned all the way down to nearly nothing. In and out , I promised myself. Since the bike rack is close to the store entrance, I didn't have to try and find a place to lock up my bike like I have to do at a lot of stores. Points to Target for at least having a proper bike rack for those of us who ride our bikes to go shopping. Inside the store was way worse than the parking lot. People people everywhere with lots of dodging having to happen just to get to the...

Amongst all the reading I'm doing, one idea stuck with me and I'm trying it out. Chew each bite of food at least fifty times.   This is way more difficult than what it seems. I've made it to forty, most of the time only getting to twenty-seven or twenty-eight chews before I have to swallow, so fifty is most definitely a challenge. I am determined to continue trying, though, as I've realized just how mindless I have been about the actual act of eating. Trying to chew a bite fifty times has forced me to pay attention to what is happening with my mouth, my tongue, my teeth, and my throat. The reflex to swallow is something I simply don't think about. I just do it. In being more mindful about each bite that is in my mouth, I've noticed the impulse to swallow. The urge to swallow happens before I even reach the count of nine or ten. That's quite a ways from fifty, so I can't swallow, and I pull all the food back up, continue chewing. At first I tho...

In my quest to live on less, I took what I consider to be a really big step. It's kind of silly, really, but to me it is quite huge. I actually had to take a deep breath and repeat several times that everything is going to be okay in making this decision. You'd think I was jumping into the deep end of a pool after just one or two swimming lessons. I've made the commitment to not buy another book for at least a year. Instead, I will borrow any book I want to read from my college library or the city library.  There. It's official since it's in writing. To celebrate, I requested a book through inter-library loan, and I'm really excited about it getting here and me getting the email that I can pick it up at the library's front desk. And . . . I'm so excited about riding my bike to the public library to get a new library card. I haven't had one of those in probably ten years. Maybe even longer. Plus, my college now has a bookshelf in the main ha...

A funny thing happened last week. Ado and I were on our final evening walk, right at dark, and we found our way to Jersey hill. As we circled around to head down to the creek, I noticed a couple walking behind us. They were chatting, but I wasn't paying any attention to them. I was mostly just following Ado wherever his nose was taking him. When we reached the treeline by the creek, Ado stopped to really check out whatever he found interesting. I turned to see how close the couple was and realized they were closer than I'd thought. I didn't fully take in the faces, but before I could turn back to make sure Ado wasn't going on alert, the woman said, "Well hey! How are you?" At one time, I had considered this woman a friend. Her son and Angel Baby were in the same class and were best buds. Then, she became a teacher at the school our kids attended. Funny Delightful Son had her as his teacher, and they butted heads. Constantly. At one point, when I arrive...

Recently I've been feeling the desire to connect with other women who cycle and blog. Or cycle and write in some capacity, not necessarily blog. Or cycle, blog/write, meditate. Or cycle, blog/write, meditate, and practice yoga. Or cycle, blog/write, meditate, practice yoga, and are finding the simple things in life are what turns them on. Like watching the birds at the feeder. Or sitting on the deck in a hammock swing and just swaying gently. Or reading a good book. Or watching foreign tv programs. Any combination of these would be wonderful. But I'm having a tough time finding any blogs about cycling and life in general by women. There are the big ones, like Cyclofemme, but they're more about bike advocacy than women writing about cycling and life in general. I found a list of women blogging about cycling, but again, the blogs listed are either more a group effort advocating for getting more women into cycling, what to wear while cycling, or how to cycle safely. So far ...

Hopped on Sweetness today to ride up to the farm for eggs. I've been riding the cruiser so much that when I swung my leg over Sweetness, the feel seemed strange. I felt all gathered together. On the cruiser I sit upright, my arms are out in front of me, and my feet are a bit in front of the saddle rather than right underneath. I'm all stretched out. On Sweetness, I'm leaning over, my arms are bent and much closer to my torso, and my feet hit the pedals right beneath the saddle. Everything feels so close. Small even. It was just a strange sensation. You'd think I'd be able to switch between the bikes and not flinch over the differences. Red Hen came over to say hello. The ride up to the farm was good. I had a lot of help from the wind out of the southwest. The return ride was slower, the wind hitting me at an angle, but once I hit the trail the thick treeline created a nice screen. I decided to stop by the Coffeehouse for something cold and to just people watch...

Ado said absolutely no to the walks today. Just after noon, I took him out in hopes he would walk our usual longer route, but before we'd even made it to the house next door he was stopping and just staring at me. This is his way of saying, "Ummm, not gonna happen." So we returned to the apartment where he immediately settled onto the couch for the afternoon. I then took him out around four, and we did make it along the path by the creek, down to the road then up the hill and back to the apartment. At that point, I knew if I was going to get any exercise, I needed to jump on the bike and go. Look at that beautiful blue! So I did. I stayed on the trail and took the route west. This is probably the least traveled trail section. The westside here is considered undesirable (code for that's where the poor people live), so the not-poor people tend to stay away from that part of town. When I first moved here nineteen years ago, I was advised to not live on the west sid...