Sunday was my birthday. I am 53 years old. Now, more than ever before, I think a lot about what lies ahead for me, and what I keep coming back to is: alone.
You'd think this would scare me, but it doesn't. To the contrary, I find the idea of being alone enticing.
Things aren't great in my marriage. To be honest, things aren't even good. The disquiet that hangs over my head has been there for some time now. It didn't just start during the past few months or even during the past few years. Rather, the unsettled feelings have been a part of my life for many years now. I've been searching for ways to make things better, and I have been able to move beyond the anger at different times, but my mind keeps returning to the idea that alone is the only true answer.
More recently, another issue cropped up that is a direct result of my husband. The person who is supposed to be my partner. Only he isn't. The person who is supposed to discuss matters with me and take my opinion into consideration when making big decisions that affect both of us. Only he doesn't. He pretends he is a partner. He pretends he considers my opinion. However, if both of these were true, we wouldn't be facing the issue we currently are. Every fiber in my being was opposed to the decision he made, and he knew this. It wasn't like I was silent about my position. I was, in fact, quite vocal.
This has been the pattern for many years. While I don't want to quit trying to make things better, I also don't want to be the only one trying. That's not a partnership.
So alone seems to be the direction I'm headed. Honestly, I'm okay with this. I realized yesterday, as I was talking with friends and getting their feedback, that the tears have dried up. I no longer become emotional about the loss of the friendship, the closeness, the fun my husband and I used to share. This lack of emotion is incredibly sad to me.
The next few months will be rough, but the one thing I know about myself is that I'm strong. I will be okay.