Standing at the Trailhead of Winter

It's official: I'm over the gray, cool, rainy weather we've been having for the past three weeks. I don't live in the Pacific Northwest because I just don't like and/or enjoy day after day of gray, gloomy weather. Every now and then is fine, but for Pete's sake, enough already. Mother Nature, please be kind and give us some heat and sunshine!  Okay, weather rant over. Thankfully I was able to get most of the house painting finished before being sidelined by the weather. All that's left are the corbels, some of the front porch, and the basement windows. Not a lot at all, but it's quite frustrating to not be able to work and complete the job. What is finished is absolutely beautiful! Seriously beautiful. I had this vision in my mind about how the green, brown, and pale yellow would work together, and the reality is even better than what I imagined. Every time I walk the dogs and approach the house as we return, I'm struck by how the house seems so much...

I thought I'd made myself clear to my husband about us, about not wanting to reconcile. Apparently, my words about this subject the last five or six times I have told him as much meant nothing to him -- surprise, surprise. He comes inside and stays, wanting to carry on conversations about issues I do not want to discuss, such as the current leader of this country (who, according to my husband, is brilliant). I don't engage, yet he will linger, bringing up anything and everything to not have to leave. Yesterday, as he was leaning against my kitchen counter, going on about where rice is grown in the US, I texted some friends. I think my ignoring him and focusing on my phone told him it was time to leave. Just as he was leaving the kitchen and heading for the door, a friend called, hoping me getting a phone call would be enough to send my husband on his way. I think the combination of me texting and then the phone call was enough to get through to him that I wasn't interested ...

The other day, my husband came over to deliver Ado back after having him for a couple of hours in the afternoon. While I'm not keen on the whole sharing the dog situation, I do think it's good for Ado to have some time to run around a yard and enjoy being outside without being on a leash. When my husband came into the apartment, he asked if I had received his text. I told him no. I've told him several times I no longer receive his texts or calls, but for some reason he didn't believe me. He then asked me how is this possible, how could I not receive his texts? My response was this is what happens when a person is blocked. His anger sent him out the door which he whipped back behind him, slamming it so hard I was stunned the large picture window didn't break. The entire place shook, and the boom brought Angel Baby out of his room, wondering what had happened. For a year and a half, I've been open about not wanting to remain in this relationship. I did agree t...

So I totally didn't do any prep work to get ready for the fall semester before reporting back to work last week. I was like Ado when I take him out for a walk on a hot day -- dragging my feet and really just not wanting to do it. And last week, I did just enough to be ready for my first class, which is tomorrow morning. I have complete awareness of my lack of preparedness, and I'm okay with it. I've been doing this for just over 25 years. I should know what I'm doing at this point. If not, I need to hand in my office keys and call my career done. Stick a fork in it. Whatever happens tomorrow -- well -- it happens. There's not much more to say. I did take a big step recently concerning my husband. I blocked him on my phone. No more texts. No more calls. I also told him he needs to stop dropping by and just walking in. This is not his home. Needless to say, he's behaving like I never said anything, He's still dropping by and just walking in. He uses Ado as...

So, funny story. Last Christmas my husband gave me a wedding band, one that matched his, even though from day one of our marriage I said ix-nay on the wedding band. Trying to be a good sport because it was Christmas after all, I slipped the band on my index finger as that was the only finger it would somewhat stay on. Three days after Christmas, after Lovely Beautiful Daughter and I had gone to the mall where I'd tried on clothes and walked around several stores, after I had removed all the greenery from the window boxes and tossed it to the curb for trash pickup, and after taking down and boxing up all the decorations in the house, I looked down to see the ring was gone. It could have slipped off my finger during any of these activities. Not wanting to say anything to my husband, I went about my day. I called the mall stores to ask if a ring had been found in the changing rooms. I retraced all my steps around the yard to see if I might find the ring glittering in the sun. Be...

Though I didn't get any good news from the lawyer concerning the financial situation, I walked out feeling as if I'm moving forward. I now understand the numbers, where they're coming from, and how it all came to where it is now. My hands are still tied in beginning to pay the amount owed since my husband will not agree and is still appealing, so I can't really do anything yet. But I feel like no matter what happens, I am taking the steps needed to start down the path I want for my life. The one thing the lawyer did take interest in was the fact that one person in the relationship wants to sign the agreement while the other person in the relationship does not. He had never encountered this kind of situation before and is looking into how to proceed with the matter given this. From my perspective, I think my husband is being extremely selfish. He's not the one they'll come after. He's unemployed. He has no income. They'll come after me, the one who has ...

The day I've been dreading, trying not to think about, arrived. Yesterday. And the situation is even worse now than it was six months ago. The hole just keeps getting deeper. I promised myself when I married my husband that I wasn't going to allow myself to be pressured into giving into what he wanted. I'd given in with the kids' dad on things I knew with my entire being were harmful, and in the end, that marriage ended badly. I thought I'd learned my lesson from that experience. Not so. My promise to myself lasted all of about a week. I wanted to keep my maiden name, but my husband kept pressing me to change it to his last name. Per my usual self, rather than stand my ground and say no, rather than let the boat rock, I went through the process of changing my name. That was the first incident of many throughout the last 12 years where I didn't keep my promise to myself. Now I'm in this situation that I know will end up being me finding myself financial...

Sunday was my birthday. I am 53 years old. Now, more than ever before, I think a lot about what lies ahead for me, and what I keep coming back to is: alone. You'd think this would scare me, but it doesn't. To the contrary, I find the idea of being alone enticing. Things aren't great in my marriage. To be honest, things aren't even good. The disquiet that hangs over my head has been there for some time now. It didn't just start during the past few months or even during the past few years. Rather, the unsettled feelings have been a part of my life for many years now. I've been searching for ways to make things better, and I have been able to move beyond the anger at different times, but my mind keeps returning to the idea that alone is the only true answer. More recently, another issue cropped up that is a direct result of my husband. The person who is supposed to be my partner. Only he isn't. The person who is supposed to discuss matters with me and tak...

Monday marked the 9th wedding anniversary for Hubby and me. We went to a nicer restaurant in town to have dinner and celebrate. Unfortunately, what should have been a lovely dinner spiraled downward, each of us unhappy with the other by the time we left the restaurant. One comment Hubby made stayed with me the next few days, and Friday, on our way home from taking Lovely Beautiful Daughter and her boyfriend to the airport (another unfortunate event--they were flying to Boston after learning of the unexpected death of her boyfriend's father), Hubby and I talked further about his comment to me at our anniversary dinner. I told him I was considering writing about it here, and he replied that he would love to see what comments I receive regarding this subject. So, here goes. My perspective of a marriage is it is a partnership. Each member of the relationship helps the other out simply because, to me, that's what a partnership entails. Including housework. Yeah. This is why our di...