I Simply Don't Get It
I thought I'd made myself clear to my husband about us, about not wanting to reconcile. Apparently, my words about this subject the last five or six times I have told him as much meant nothing to him -- surprise, surprise. He comes inside and stays, wanting to carry on conversations about issues I do not want to discuss, such as the current leader of this country (who, according to my husband, is brilliant). I don't engage, yet he will linger, bringing up anything and everything to not have to leave. Yesterday, as he was leaning against my kitchen counter, going on about where rice is grown in the US, I texted some friends. I think my ignoring him and focusing on my phone told him it was time to leave. Just as he was leaving the kitchen and heading for the door, a friend called, hoping me getting a phone call would be enough to send my husband on his way. I think the combination of me texting and then the phone call was enough to get through to him that I wasn't interested in talking with him.
All afternoon I thought about how to get through to my husband that I don't want to be with him in any way, even for a five-minute discussion about the state of the country. I went for a twelve-mile bike ride to clear my head and try to come up with what to say that would finally sink in. While nothing note-worthy revealed itself, the ride did calm me. Being out in the brisk air and sunshine eased the tension.
When my husband returned in the evening to bring Ado back, again he lingered. I didn't beat around the bush. I told him not to stay, not to try to engage me in conversation, he needed to leave. His reaction was the typical one for him: a look of indignation then why am I being so mean. Once again, I told him I didn't want to reconcile. I also said perhaps it's time he stop using Ado as an excuse to come over. If he wants companionship, he needs to get his own dog.
My husband told me I had agreed to work on reconciling. Because he paid off the financial mess (really, he just traded one financial mess for another -- either way you look at it, the financial mess is still hanging over our heads, more his than mine, but it's still there).
When he said this, all I could do was laugh. He truly doesn't hear what I am saying or have said. I think he picks bits and pieces and stitches them together to create what he wants to be so.
After twenty minutes of saying again what I have said several times before, my husband then said, "Then I want $15,000." I knew sooner or later this is where we would end up. I'm more than happy to give him $15,000 if it means he will leave me alone. I've even thought about giving him a chunk each month to put towards the financial mess, but I'm afraid what I give him wouldn't go towards what it is meant for. I'm afraid he would use it for other things. And I might actually be creating a bad situation for myself. I've already been told by two different lawyers I will have to pay spousal support. If I give him money now, I'm wondering if he could use this as evidence I make enough to pay off the financial mess as well as spousal support to him.
I simply don't understand. How is it the one person who follows the rules, who works and makes sure she does what's needed to maintain job stability, who tries to put some money aside each paycheck in case of an emergency, who doesn't buy stuff just to have stuff, who doesn't even have a cable package is the one who will be penalized and ordered to support another individual who intentionally didn't find a job for years (until I moved out, and it took over a year after this for him to go back to work), who intentionally didn't save any money (when he was working in pharma, he made thousands of dollars in bonuses -- my suggestion each bonus was to put it in savings; his response was I work to make this, so I get to do with it what I want), who intentionally tried to cheat the system (hence the financial mess)? I really need someone who can explain to me how this is even remotely just.
All afternoon I thought about how to get through to my husband that I don't want to be with him in any way, even for a five-minute discussion about the state of the country. I went for a twelve-mile bike ride to clear my head and try to come up with what to say that would finally sink in. While nothing note-worthy revealed itself, the ride did calm me. Being out in the brisk air and sunshine eased the tension.
When my husband returned in the evening to bring Ado back, again he lingered. I didn't beat around the bush. I told him not to stay, not to try to engage me in conversation, he needed to leave. His reaction was the typical one for him: a look of indignation then why am I being so mean. Once again, I told him I didn't want to reconcile. I also said perhaps it's time he stop using Ado as an excuse to come over. If he wants companionship, he needs to get his own dog.
My husband told me I had agreed to work on reconciling. Because he paid off the financial mess (really, he just traded one financial mess for another -- either way you look at it, the financial mess is still hanging over our heads, more his than mine, but it's still there).
When he said this, all I could do was laugh. He truly doesn't hear what I am saying or have said. I think he picks bits and pieces and stitches them together to create what he wants to be so.
After twenty minutes of saying again what I have said several times before, my husband then said, "Then I want $15,000." I knew sooner or later this is where we would end up. I'm more than happy to give him $15,000 if it means he will leave me alone. I've even thought about giving him a chunk each month to put towards the financial mess, but I'm afraid what I give him wouldn't go towards what it is meant for. I'm afraid he would use it for other things. And I might actually be creating a bad situation for myself. I've already been told by two different lawyers I will have to pay spousal support. If I give him money now, I'm wondering if he could use this as evidence I make enough to pay off the financial mess as well as spousal support to him.
I simply don't understand. How is it the one person who follows the rules, who works and makes sure she does what's needed to maintain job stability, who tries to put some money aside each paycheck in case of an emergency, who doesn't buy stuff just to have stuff, who doesn't even have a cable package is the one who will be penalized and ordered to support another individual who intentionally didn't find a job for years (until I moved out, and it took over a year after this for him to go back to work), who intentionally didn't save any money (when he was working in pharma, he made thousands of dollars in bonuses -- my suggestion each bonus was to put it in savings; his response was I work to make this, so I get to do with it what I want), who intentionally tried to cheat the system (hence the financial mess)? I really need someone who can explain to me how this is even remotely just.
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