Sunday, September 30, 2012

Vicious Cycle

For nearly a year now, I've been finding myself doing anything and everything besides what I need to be doing, namely reading and evaluating student work. Whenever I tell myself to plop my behind down in front of the computer and start in on the submitted exercises/assignments, a feeling akin to nausea rumbles in the pit of my stomach. Its slimy tendrils spread through my body, turning my limbs to jelly. I'll make it as far as the office door and can see my computer, but my feet refuse to take another step. Only when I turn and walk away, maybe washing the dishes or putting in a load of laundry or going outside to merely sit on the back deck, does the nausea abate. Avoiding what needs to be done has only created a huge pile of work that now seems insurmountable.

A favorite pic from the summer. Maybe a hint? 

It's time to face the problem. Instead of dancing around the issue, hoping the desire returns to continue doing what I've been doing for many years, a plan needs to be put into place and action taken. Only I don't know where to start. Fear makes me think a change right now is the wrong way to go. I enjoy a position of stability, an income that covers the family's needs and wants, and other perks many people wish they had. Seems absolutely crazy to let go of all this. So what to do?

See? Even now I'm immersing myself in writing rather than doing what needs to be done. I'm caught in a vicious cycle.


John Romeo Alpha said...

Sometimes our gut gives us incredibly wise advice that our brains don't yet quite understand. I've only gotten into trouble when I ignored it.

JK said...

I do believe there's something within us, something connected to the heart more than the brain, that knows what direction we should take at times. I want to listen, but the fear . . ..

Cathy said...


(I feel the fear too. I still think that I am happy teaching for the time being, but I can see that in my future, I may get into the same vicious cycle you describe above. I just hope that by then Cory will be famous or something and I can stop working without to much worry! :) )

JK said...

When Cory becomes famous, I'll be smiling for you. :) I do think, too, that one day your name will be out there. People will be talking about your wonderful poetry.