Standing at the Trailhead of Winter

As I was driving to work today, the thought that a week from tomorrow I go in for my promotion portfolio defense flitted through my mind. A nano second later, that rush of adrenaline that happens when a person feels fear shot through the pit of my stomach. I calmed myself, thinking hopefully my portfolio readers are all reasonable people. Then, almost as soon as I sat down at my desk my phone rang. I answered and found it was one of my promotion portfolio readers. Another rush of adrenaline coursed through my core, speeding up my heart. The reader, someone I've known for many years and have cycled with, tells me a page from my teaching philosophy is missing. The last page. Pages 1, 2, 3, and the works cited were all there. Page 4? Where'd it go? I quickly pulled the document up on my computer to check it. Yes, page 4 was there. Why it wasn't in the portfolio is beyond me. I checked, double checked then triple checked each copy of the portfolio before submitting them, so I k...

Last evening, I did something I've never done before in my 53 years of living. I showed my feet some love. Yep. I took an hour out of my evening to wash my feet with hot, soapy water then go over them with a pumice. From there I rubbed in some lotion, massaging my feet along the way. As I reveled in the relaxation brought about by the kneading of the muscles in my feet, I wondered what took me so long to realize the neglect I'd been showing two very important parts of my body. I mean, they do so much work each and every day. You'd think I'd have figured this out a long time ago and taken steps to make sure they were given the attention they truly deserve. Now that I've seen the light, I will see to it that my feet are given due care to keep them in working order. Part of my feet care was me finding other things to do than play Fallout: New Vegas . I wasn't so sure I was going to enjoy this version of Fallout when I first started it, but if the nine hours of ...

Monday I'm going to look at a house. To rent. In town. For the last fifteen years, I've been dreaming of finding my house in the country. A small farmhouse with just two or three acres. In my dream, I have a cat or two, a dog or two, a Jersey cow for milk, and maybe a sheep or two so I learn to sheer wool, make yarn. A large garden outside the back door supplies me with veggies to can and freeze. The fruit trees I plant give me cherries, apples, and peaches. The red raspberries stain my face red because I eat more straight from the vine than I save for jams. But, some dreams just stay dreams. I know I'm not the only person whose dream won't ever materialize. There are many, many people who move through their days with the hope that maybe, just maybe, one small part of the dream will happen, but know most likely it won't. This is one of the saddest parts of life. I keep going back to at least I'll have my children with me in whatever house we decide to re...

Lovely Beautiful Daughter went back east yesterday. I began missing her before we had even left the house to take her to the bus which would carry her up to O'Hare. The last time we said good-bye at the small airport here in our little city, I watched her wipe tears away as she went through security. Yesterday, I wiped tears away as I walked back to the car. We had such a wonderful time together during the five days she was here. She's a spark of life that makes everyone around her feel happy. While she was here, I didn't get my students' paper read like I'd hoped to. A few years ago, I would have been agonizing over not finishing the grading as planned, really stressing myself out, but now? Now I shrug it off and send a note to all students, telling them I'm behind and will complete the grading during the next few days. My position about my job, about teaching writing, these days is so different from just five years ago. I believe having strong writing skil...

Sometimes, when I'm working on a new written piece, especially a poem, I'll sketch out what I'm seeing in my mind, what I want to take from the swirling that is in my head to paper. Today, as I was working on a poem that has been pulling at me, I had the overwhelming urge to get the sketch pad out and let the pencil go to work. At one point, I felt as if I wasn't even the one sketching. I wasn't thinking about how I wanted the image to look. It just happened. I've never felt this experience before. I thought, too, that I'm not truly worthy of this kind of experience since I'm not an artist. But I quickly checked myself. For some reason "something" was speaking to me and helping me get what was in my head to the sketch pad. I need to honor that and work to make my vision become tangible. Now, with the image in front of me, I'm finding the words are happening though the writing is slow. Last night I dreamed I was with a friend from work an...

All of yesterday and all morning today, snow fell. Big, soft flakes much of the time. Every now and then, the wind would gust, pushing the snow sideways. But now the sun is shining. The snow is melting. I imagine by tomorrow evening all of the snow will be gone. The transience of this weather event is a reminder: keep looking ahead, for what seems insurmountable now will reveal itself as just a small inconvenience in the bigger scheme of things. Or as my mom always used to put it: this, too, shall pass. I'm trying to keep this in mind given the tension my entire being is feeling right now. I know holding onto the anger is unhealthy. I know I need to use the tension and the anger to walk a more creative path. Only I find this so difficult when my husband is in the same space, which is much of the time since he is and has been unemployed for the last year. I find myself intentionally leaving the room when he enters. I stay at work longer than I need to simply to not have to be here...

It is spring break, and we're under a winter weather advisory. Snow. The white fluff is supposed to start later this evening and continue into tomorrow. Several inches, they're saying. Winter's way of shouting, "Hey, hold on a minute. I have eight more days. Then Spring can have her way." I'm secretly hoping Winter stays north of us, smoothing her white blanket over Wisconsin and Michigan.  Today I finally found the courage to tell my husband I have decided to find a place of my own. I'd been rehearsing the talk in my head for the past few days, but like usual, I went off script fairly quickly. I didn't quite know how he was going to respond. I thought maybe he would get angry as that has been his MO when I offer up how his behavior has harmed our relationship. This time, he remained calm. He suggested he understood how I was feeling. He went on to say he doesn't want me to leave, but he does understand. Later, after Angel Baby and I returned fr...

With no meetings scheduled for tomorrow, I am officially on spring break. I do have papers to grade over break, so I won't have a week of no work-related items to finish up, but since I have no plans whatsoever, I don't mind having papers in need of grading. This semester has been quite strange for me. I've always taught five or six writing classes each semester for the past 17 years. That's a lot of papers to read and respond to. This semester, because of the release time I have for WAC and the Writing Center, I'm only teaching two writing classes, one of which is online. This puts me in the classroom for one class twice a week. The reduction in assignments to grade has been such that I have not had to spend several hours in the evenings and during the weekends grading. I've been able to do other things. Like read. Take Ado for longer walks. Clean my shop. Sit in my hammock swing on the back deck. Just so many non-work related activities that have been good f...

Sunday was my birthday. I am 53 years old. Now, more than ever before, I think a lot about what lies ahead for me, and what I keep coming back to is: alone. You'd think this would scare me, but it doesn't. To the contrary, I find the idea of being alone enticing. Things aren't great in my marriage. To be honest, things aren't even good. The disquiet that hangs over my head has been there for some time now. It didn't just start during the past few months or even during the past few years. Rather, the unsettled feelings have been a part of my life for many years now. I've been searching for ways to make things better, and I have been able to move beyond the anger at different times, but my mind keeps returning to the idea that alone is the only true answer. More recently, another issue cropped up that is a direct result of my husband. The person who is supposed to be my partner. Only he isn't. The person who is supposed to discuss matters with me and tak...

I took the first step this morning to removing some technological clutter. I closed my LinkedIn account. It's kind of funny how I'm feeling a bit unsettled over actually clicking the Remove Account button. I so rarely even visit my LinkedIn, so I'm not sure why I'm feeling like I've just lost a really good friend. Does technology have that much power over us? Me? This is exactly why I want to declutter. I don't want to feel so attached to spaces online that suck away time. Time is precious. I have come to believe Time should be treated with much more care. As such, I'm gradually going to close the various social media accounts I have open. Twitter is next. It, like LinkedIn, is a space I rarely visit. I go in every now and then, but for what? I don't truly enjoy scrolling through the tweets, most by people I don't even know. I have a few friends on Twitter, but overall, those who I follow and who follow me are strangers. I want to focus my attentio...

February is over! Dang 2017! Slow down! I feel like the semester just started and I'm already talking to the students about spring break being less than two weeks away, which is midterm. Then, just a mere eight weeks of the semester will remain. Not that I'm counting the weeks down. Not that my mind is on a summer full of cycling, gardening, and prepping for my Pac coast cycling trip, followed by my Southern Tier cycling trip, both directly connected to my sabbatical project. Nope. I'm not counting down the weeks at all. With it being March 1st, the days are lengthening, and we're not all that far from spring. I've already seen robins and red-winged black birds, as well as crocuses blooming and daffodils pushing up. Even what usually are the late spring thunderstorms have been moving through. Seems so early for all of these things. Because of the in-between weather, I'm not sure if I should pull my spring clothes out or continue wearing my winter clothes. Th...