Standing at the Trailhead of Winter

The smell of marigolds isn't completely pleasant. It's not completely offensive either. It's somewhere in between. It's a smell all its own. Hours after my hands have moved their long stems, cupped the blooms in wonder, I have to pause what I'm doing -- making the bed, vacuuming the house, hanging up clothes that had been unceremoniously dropped on the bedroom floor -- when the faint whiff of marigold drifts up to remind me of my time with them. Marigolds are just lovely. Whenever I see a marigold or smell a marigold, I'm taken back to my childhood. To a movie that for some reason became a part of who I am. I was only eight when the movie came out, but I remember having a very strong reaction to it, and every summer when I plant marigolds, I think of that movie: The Effect of Gamma Rays on Man in the Moon Marigolds. I try to watch it at least once a year, and since the marigolds I planted this summer are blooming, I thought the time is perfect to watch the movie...

Murphy and I have been keeping busy, trying to keep the sadness somewhat at bay. It's been tough. I find myself constantly thinking about Ado. And Murphy basically told me no when I put his dinner in Ado's bowl instead of the little one he'd been eating out of for the last nearly two years. When I put the food in the bowl, then put the bowl in it's wooden holder, Murphy looked at me like, "What in the world, hoomin. That is not where my food goes." He then barked his resistance. It took a bit of cajoling to get him to be okay with eating out of Ado's bowl. Last week we went to the lake I took Ado to for his first longer hike. Murphy and I walked the path, and I remembered so much of being there with Ado. Murphy enjoyed the hike and was one tuckered out pup when we got home. Yesterday, we went to another park I've never been to before. Before we set off on our walk, I pulled out the bag with two donuts and shared them with Murphy. I think he preferred t...

 

I've started a new endeavor. Not sure anything will come of it, but as my mom always said, "Nothing ventured, nothing gained." So, I'm venturing. We'll see if there's anything gained. I have tons of photos on my computer. Just tucked away in folders. Every now and then I'll open the folders and go through them. I thought about printing them and making albums, but I'm really the only one who would enjoy flipping through the pages. I thought about having a couple put on canvas to hang on my walls, and I still might do this. Then I thought: Why not put them on a photo platform and see if I can make some money from them? For the last six or seven months, I've been thinking through if I should try this or just let it go (yeah, I tend to take a long time to come to some decisions). I talked about this with the kids, and they shrugged, giving me the standard young person response, "You do you." So I'm doing me. A couple of days ago I finally...

This week has been spring break for me, and the weather has been wonderful the entire time.  I had promised myself I would sit and work each day, but the sun and the warm temps put all thoughts of work to the back burner. I finally forced myself to spend several hours at my computer yesterday, getting things put into place for the next four weeks of class. Afterwards, I set off for Havana to see if I could spot some birds migrating. While I didn't see many, I had a good hike in the Chautauqua wildlife refuge with Murphy. He's my ride-along buddy wherever I go. He just settles right in and naps the entire time.  Friday was Funny Delightful Son's birthday. He is now 24  years old. All three of my kids have had their birthdays this year, the oldest coming in at 29 and the youngest at 22. When I sit and think about the last 30 years, all that comes to mind is "don't blink." The moments are here then gone so quickly. Don't blink.  Through the week I spent time ...

Today marks the one-year anniversary of my dad's death. I'm sitting here shaking my head. Already a year has passed.  In a conversation with a sibling, it was suggested the family lost three people a year ago. Dad to cancer, and two of our siblings to . . . I don't even know how to word it . . . bad behavior? misguided thinking? selfishness? disconnectedness? all of the above? Here we are now, a year later, and the silence has only deepened, at least between me and the two siblings. I won't speak for my other siblings who have been disappointed by these two. At this point, I keep returning to the "it is what it is" catch-all for difficult situations, and I find other things, pleasant and happy things, to focus on. Like the time Dad set the oven on fire (well, he didn't really do it; the turkey did it) while preparing our Thanksgiving feast. Lovely Beautiful Daughter was around 8 years old and walked into the kitchen, loudly exclaiming, "Papaw! The ove...

After breakfast, Angel Baby and I lounged around in the room, neither one of us in too big a hurry to go anywhere. We had the whole day, and night since it didn't get dark, to explore the city, or at least the part of the city surrounding our hotel. While we lounged, I made reservations on the bus that would take us to the airport the next day. If there was anything I was a bit nervous about, it was missing our flight home. I'm one who likes to get to the airport five hours before departure. When I'm ready to go home, I'm ready to go home. Once the bus reservation was made, we set out to find souvenirs for friends and family. I really didn't want anything for myself. I'm totally happy with having photos and memories, but Angel Baby wanted a few things that would remind him of our time in Iceland. We found the street with all the gift shops just a block away from the hotel and made our way through the shops as we moved up the street. Angel Baby found gifts fo...

Last weekend, Lovely Beautiful Daughter and I went to Louisville for the Forecastle music festival. What a time! Back in 2012, when I did my first cross-country bike ride, LBD and the boys put together a care package and sent it so it would arrive on the same day that I rode into Haswell, CO. Inside the care package was LBD's mp3 player with a playlist of her favorite music. The Killers were a part of that playlist, and from that day on, I've always thought it'd be wonderful to see The Killers live. Friday night last week, LBD and I stood smushed together, surrounded by other fans, and watched The Killers put on a wonderful show. I'm pretty sure I had a smile on my face during the entire hour and a half show. At one point, LBD took my arm and with tears in her eyes told me thank you for making her dream of seeing The Killers live come true. While I love so many of The Killers' songs, my favorite is a Brandon Flowers song he wrote and sang for the album Flaming...

Today would have been my mom's 84th birthday. Seven years ago today, we gathered to remember her a week after she passed away. That day, Dad led me into his bedroom where he'd laid out her jewelry and told me to take what I'd like to have. My two older sisters had already had their turn. Since I don't wear much jewelry, I only took a few pieces that I knew I would enjoy, but mostly, I took the pieces for sentimental reasons. Dad also told me I could have the jewelry box, a Japanese three-drawer piece made of bakelite. I have no idea how Mom came to have the jewelry box, but it had some brooches inside that I knew had been Grandma's, so I took it along with what it contained. Every now and then, I open the drawers just to take out a brooch and wonder on what occasion Grandma wore it. Or Mom. My favorite of all the pins is a silver piece with glittery clear rhinestones. It reminds me of a snowflake. When I wear it on a snowy day, I feel closer to Winter and all th...

Friday evening, Lovely Beautiful Daughter and I traveled to Urbana to attend Made, a festival of music, poetry, and handmade arts and crafts. We chatted the entire way there, as we made our way through the booths of homemade soaps, funny magnets, pottery, and whimsical clay pots for succulents, and as we searched for the restaurant we decided to try out. On our way to the restaurant, the subject of the latest supreme court nominee came up. Lovely Beautiful Daughter, in so many words, wasn't sure the alleged events from thirty plus years ago should keep this man from being appointed. Maybe he's changed , she said. We continued talking after our appetizers had arrived. Maybe , I said. But doesn't she deserve to be heard? If he did what she says he did, she's been living with those nightmare memories for over thirty years. Lovely Beautiful Daughter nodded. Thankfully I've never experienced sexual assault , she said. At that, I could feel the tears wanting to ...

Last year at this time I was cycling the Pac coast. Had just enjoyed two days in San Francisco. Was headed into the last ten days or so that would complete the rest of the ride. The final morning I'd awakened early, before sunrise, and when I looked outside my tent, the full moon was setting over the Pacific. A golden path leading from the beach to the horizon undulated on the surface of the ocean. I was mesmerized. This morning, Ado and I left out earlier than usual for our morning walk. We went the short route which takes us around a few blocks then back to the large open grassy area known as Jersey Hill. When I looked towards the west, a beautiful almost-full yellow moon hung just over the tree tops. I feel so fortunate to have memories of the moon over the Pacific and the moon over the prairie. I view the memories as reminders to look around, really notice the small things I sometimes overlook since I've seen them many times before; enjoy the delight sparked by what...

Well, January was fun! If the rest of the year goes along as January did, I'll not be sad. Monday my youngest turned 19. While memories of the day he was born have blurred around the edges, I still remember being in the delivery room, way beyond ready to give birth to the little guy who was nearly two weeks overdue, and feeling incredible relief once the ordeal ended. This guy came into the world at ten pounds nine ounces. A big boy. My doctor had estimated him in the nine pound range before all the action began, so I decided to go with a natural childbirth since I'd delivered Funny Delightful Son naturally, and he'd weighed in at just over nine pounds. I figured I could do it again. I did, but it wasn't fun by any stretch of the imagination. Thankfully, all turned out just fine, and that big boy is now a tall, lanky young man who can't get enough to eat. The four of us went out to eat for Angel Baby's birthday dinner. He absolutely hates going anywhere that...

I put Neil Diamond on the turn-table this morning to keep me company as I laid out the electronics I'll be taking with me on the ride. With the first few notes of "Everybody's talkin,'" memories from years ago flooded through me. Instead of sorting through the charging cords and other assorted electronics, I sat in the middle of my bedroom to float on the memories. Summers spent riding ponies and horses through clover fields. Making construction paper ribbons and having our own horse shows with Mom as the judge. She never played favorites. Hot summer nights playing Kick the Can. On rare occasions, Mom would call for us from the back porch that it was time to come in for the day. Most often, she let us determine our own bedtime. Mom waking me up one August night to take me out to a blanket she had spread on the lawn. We laid there, watching meteors race across the sky. Mom loved listening to Neil Diamond. Whenever one of his songs came on the radio she woul...

Last week, Wednesday, I made the appointment I've been putting off. Max. His legs were giving out on him as he walked across the floor or down the steps. His chin quivered at times, indicating pain. But he always looked at us as if he was the happiest dog on earth. It was easy to rationalize he was okay, that he still had a few weeks, a few months, maybe a few years left. The day he dragged his hind quarters across the floor as he went to get a drink of water made me see how unfair we were being with him. Yesterday, we said goodbye. In a warm, cozy room. Our hands stroking his black coat. Our voices telling him how much he meant to us. When we returned home, Ado circled us, sniffing, looking at us as if to ask, "Where's Max?" He went out into the yard. Searching. He came back inside, found the collar and leash, and nosed at it. Where I went, Ado went. As I worked at the computer, he lay at my feet. Then, he stood, went into the room where Max used to sle...

Three years ago this morning, the phone rang just after 4 am, and I knew it was the call we'd been waiting for. The one telling us Mom had slipped away, leaving this world for the next. I remember sitting on the edge of the bed, talking with my sister and being sad but at the same time feeling some solace in knowing Mom was no longer suffering. I still get sad at times when I think about her, the sadness more over how her body became her enemy during the last 20 or so years of her life. I hope my body and I don't ever become enemies, and it is because of this hope that I decided how I was going to spend my day today, in memory of her. Initially I thought about getting a sky lantern and writing a message on it to send up to the heavens. Then I thought about getting a floating lantern to send out onto the lake. Each of those ideas, though, just weren't dazzling me, even when I had both in the cart and was ready to hit the Buy button. Since the dazzle factor was nonexistent,...

I left out early this morning, around 6, to begin my summer of riding central Illinois for Bike the US for MS. I love being out before most people have roused from sleep. The streets are empty, making cycling Main and other higher traffic streets a breeze. From the driveway to the other side of town, about 5 miles, I didn't have one car pass me from behind, and only a couple passed from the opposite direction. Riding is extra sweet when few cars are on the road. Today's route took me northeast, to the small town of Fairbury. According to my map, the distance from the driveway to the center of Fairbury was around 35 miles. The sun was shining. Them temp around 65. The wind was at my back. While I knew I was getting a lot of help from the wind going out, and I would be fighting it on the way back, I couldn't help but simply enjoy rolling along. For the time being, conditions for cycling were perfect. Almost as soon as I started out, my thoughts turned to my mom. Two years...

The last week of March is upon us. Already. Whew. Someone slow this train down. Please. The days are just zipping by too quickly. On the other hand, being this far into the semester puts me closer to the end of it, which is a mere 6 weeks away. I feel like I'm saying, "Slow down! Yay, speed up! Slow down! Yay, speed up!" first looking to my right then looking to my left. I really need to just breathe. While I may seem conflicted over this whole not liking how quickly time is passing by/wanting time to pass by more quickly, if I had to honestly choose which side I actually fall on, I'd have to say wanting time to pass by more quickly. My mind is already way in out in front of me, in June, where I'm on my bike out in the countryside. Thinking back to last summer, I remember how I rode every now and then, but mostly just hung out around the house, piddling with my projects in my new shop and my garden. I was very content playing with my welder and swinging in my ha...

As I sit here, typing while looking out the window above my computer, watching the rain fall, rain we've so badly needed, I think about how I haven't blogged for some time. A tiny part of me feels guilty for not being more regular, but then a larger part of me thinks who the hell cares what I have to say anyway? And that duality is what's been my life for awhile now. Ever since last summer when I arrived home after spending 60 glorious days on my bike, learning how easily I can live with so little. Last summer is still with me in a very big way, so much so that every single day, as I'm sitting in my office, grading student work, or standing in front of the classroom, talking about the day's lesson, last summer's images, smells, sounds, and feelings creep in, interrupt. Not a day goes by that I don't think about last summer. Even now, while I should be responding to the student paper I have pulled up on my computer, my thoughts instead turned to the day we ...

This is for a presentation I'm giving in a couple of days. Still have some work to do, but it's coming along. Going back through all the photos and remembering the days of the ride create a mixture of emotions, mostly happiness. Now that the semester is nearly complete, and if the weather holds out during break, I'm looking forward to getting some longer rides in.

When they were living in Tennessee, my parents became very close friends with the parish priest. Fishing, eating meals together, and sometimes just sitting on the front porch of the cabin happened frequently. This priest baptized Lovely Beautiful Daughter and Funny Delightful Son, and at times was called upon to be a member of the audience when Lovely Beautiful Daughter performed the little shows she wrote and starred in. He always graciously complied. Then we moved away, and he moved away at the Church's bidding, and we lost touch. Today, after nearly 14 years of life interrupting, our parish priest friend arrived to offer a memorial Mass for Mom at my parents' home. I cancelled my classes, called the kids out of school, and we drove over to participate. As soon as we walked through the door, he looked at Lovely Beautiful Daughter and asked, "Where's your tutu?", a ballerina costume made of muted gold satin Lovely Beautiful  Daughter wore for days on end when s...