Don't Blink

This week has been spring break for me, and the weather has been wonderful the entire time.  I had promised myself I would sit and work each day, but the sun and the warm temps put all thoughts of work to the back burner. I finally forced myself to spend several hours at my computer yesterday, getting things put into place for the next four weeks of class. Afterwards, I set off for Havana to see if I could spot some birds migrating. While I didn't see many, I had a good hike in the Chautauqua wildlife refuge with Murphy. He's my ride-along buddy wherever I go. He just settles right in and naps the entire time. 

Friday was Funny Delightful Son's birthday. He is now 24  years old. All three of my kids have had their birthdays this year, the oldest coming in at 29 and the youngest at 22. When I sit and think about the last 30 years, all that comes to mind is "don't blink." The moments are here then gone so quickly. Don't blink. 

Through the week I spent time outside cleaning the rest of the downed limbs and twigs from the yard, setting up the water barrel under the downspout on one side of the garage, leveling out the bare space behind the garage so I can try to grow some grass there, and cleaning the inside of the garage. I spent more time with my husband this week than I have the last four years (yes, we are still married), and I was reminded why I live out here and he lives 45 minutes away. We just don't get along all that well, mostly because my tolerance level for all things right-wing/conservative is at an all-time low. His incessant chatter about the previous president, the current president, and everything else political just makes me want to scream. I've told him so many times I don't want to hear or talk about these things, yet he can't seem to help himself. All this does is make me not want to spend any amount of time with him.

The upside of our being separated is I am no longer fire-breathing angry with him. The anger is gone. When it occurred to me that I'm past feeling furious whenever I'm near him, that my entire body no longer feels like it's going to explode, a warm happiness filled me. For so long, way before I made the move to leave him, I felt nothing but incredible anger all the time. It was like a squatter taking up residence and there was no way to get it to go away. My leaving to live with the kids for a year, then living with Angel Baby for two more years, then moving out here and being in my little house for nearly a year now are what it took to push the squatter out. Though the anger is gone, I don't want to be with my husband. I can't. I'd be opening the door for the squatter to walk back through and take up residence again. Why would I do that? 

Being out here in this little house over the past year has been exactly what I needed to heal. The quiet. The coyotes singing in the early morning hours. The barn owls calling to one another before dawn. The long walks along rural roads with the boys. The nearly daily chats with neighbors. Already I have so many wonderful memories to look back on. Hopefully more and more wonderful memories will be added to the treasury in my mind through this next year. They will, I know, if I remember: don't blink.

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