Standing at the Trailhead of Winter

I left my marriage nine years ago. While I agreed to see if we could work things out a couple of years ago, it became clear, for me, the marriage was over. I asked my husband to leave me alone, but true to his nature he continued to try and be a part of my life. He would text several times a day, trying to carry on a conversation. No matter how many times I asked him to stop, he wouldn't. I finally blocked him completely. His calls went straight to voicemail so I could delete them without having to listen to them. Being free from his noise was absolute bliss. The last year we've had very little contact, and over the last two months there has been no contact at all. I'm ready to call this marriage done, so I retained a lawyer and had the first meeting to learn what I'm facing. It's not pretty, but I'm ready to cut ties completely. I told my lawyer I would talk to my husband and ask him to sign the papers without fussing and dragging this out, but deep down I knew...

This semester I'm fully online again. I'm happy to be. I've become even more of a homebody than I was before going completely online. I thought after being online during COVID that I would never want to be again, but I've truly come to love it. My hope is I can finish out my time and move into retirement by just teaching online.  Being home all the time allows me time to listen to the house. To really see the parts that make up the whole.  *** I wrote the above a week ago, fully intending to write about my house, the dogs, being able to move through my days in a way that brings me peace and joy. I was going to finish the post during the week, but like usual, I got sidetracked and the post was forgotten about. Then yesterday, January 24, happened.  Anyone paying attention knows a man who was trying to help a woman who'd been shoved to the ground in Minneapolis was murdered. After he was surrounded by thugs and pepper sprayed, wrestled to the ground, beaten, kicked, a...

It's official: I'm over the gray, cool, rainy weather we've been having for the past three weeks. I don't live in the Pacific Northwest because I just don't like and/or enjoy day after day of gray, gloomy weather. Every now and then is fine, but for Pete's sake, enough already. Mother Nature, please be kind and give us some heat and sunshine!  Okay, weather rant over. Thankfully I was able to get most of the house painting finished before being sidelined by the weather. All that's left are the corbels, some of the front porch, and the basement windows. Not a lot at all, but it's quite frustrating to not be able to work and complete the job. What is finished is absolutely beautiful! Seriously beautiful. I had this vision in my mind about how the green, brown, and pale yellow would work together, and the reality is even better than what I imagined. Every time I walk the dogs and approach the house as we return, I'm struck by how the house seems so much...

This week has been spring break for me, and the weather has been wonderful the entire time.  I had promised myself I would sit and work each day, but the sun and the warm temps put all thoughts of work to the back burner. I finally forced myself to spend several hours at my computer yesterday, getting things put into place for the next four weeks of class. Afterwards, I set off for Havana to see if I could spot some birds migrating. While I didn't see many, I had a good hike in the Chautauqua wildlife refuge with Murphy. He's my ride-along buddy wherever I go. He just settles right in and naps the entire time.  Friday was Funny Delightful Son's birthday. He is now 24  years old. All three of my kids have had their birthdays this year, the oldest coming in at 29 and the youngest at 22. When I sit and think about the last 30 years, all that comes to mind is "don't blink." The moments are here then gone so quickly. Don't blink.  Through the week I spent time ...

So, apparently I'm stepping over the boundaries in speaking out about a family member's behavior. Also, apparently I'm not allowed to have a perspective on what my life was like growing up in my family. According to one sibling (who ordered me not to write about them on the blog, and who I'm pretty sure didn't even know my blog existed until I wrote the last post and it was shared by the family member that post is referring to), "I'm still wondering where the rest of us were when things were SO bad for you. We had an awesome and blessed bringing up."  I don't disagree. We did. But this doesn't mean there weren't bad things, too. It wasn't all butterflies and unicorns. To believe otherwise is to live in La-La Land. And, I just want to go on the record now and say I'm pretty sure I've never said through the years writing on my blog that my life growing up was SO bad. I'm still scratching my head over what blog posts my sibling...

The other day, my husband came over to deliver Ado back after having him for a couple of hours in the afternoon. While I'm not keen on the whole sharing the dog situation, I do think it's good for Ado to have some time to run around a yard and enjoy being outside without being on a leash. When my husband came into the apartment, he asked if I had received his text. I told him no. I've told him several times I no longer receive his texts or calls, but for some reason he didn't believe me. He then asked me how is this possible, how could I not receive his texts? My response was this is what happens when a person is blocked. His anger sent him out the door which he whipped back behind him, slamming it so hard I was stunned the large picture window didn't break. The entire place shook, and the boom brought Angel Baby out of his room, wondering what had happened. For a year and a half, I've been open about not wanting to remain in this relationship. I did agree t...

A year ago I began moving my life from one house to another. My anger was fueling me, and even now, 365 days later, I still feel some embers glowing. I wonder if I will ever wake up one morning and know the anger is completely gone. I have my doubts. Despite the anger, the year was good. This space the kids and I have called home has been wonderful for us. But changes are happening again. Lovely Beautiful Daughter is returning to school to pursue a degree in elementary education. She has also decided it's time she is on her own, in her own space. She won't be so far away this time and has promised to drop by to visit often. Funny Delightful Son is transferring to Western Illinois. He and I will be driving over in a week to meet with his advisor and check out some apartments. This semester he is finishing up some Gen Eds he put off, and while he wasn't looking forward to any of his classes at the beginning of the semester, he did say not too long ago that the classes a...

Sunday was my birthday. I am 53 years old. Now, more than ever before, I think a lot about what lies ahead for me, and what I keep coming back to is: alone. You'd think this would scare me, but it doesn't. To the contrary, I find the idea of being alone enticing. Things aren't great in my marriage. To be honest, things aren't even good. The disquiet that hangs over my head has been there for some time now. It didn't just start during the past few months or even during the past few years. Rather, the unsettled feelings have been a part of my life for many years now. I've been searching for ways to make things better, and I have been able to move beyond the anger at different times, but my mind keeps returning to the idea that alone is the only true answer. More recently, another issue cropped up that is a direct result of my husband. The person who is supposed to be my partner. Only he isn't. The person who is supposed to discuss matters with me and tak...

Lots of negative, hurtful, mean thoughts swirl and crash into one another as I sit here, trying to do my taxes. Nothing else in my life sets me off like filling out these forms. It's not so much that the numbers, the rules, and the exceptions make my eyes glaze over. Believe me, they do. It's just that I don't make much money considering and having to justify every little thing is mind-numbing. Each year, when I do my taxes, I end up thinking about the education I have (an MA), the amount of time I spend on my job (upwards of 55 hours a week), the amount of time I put into professional development (reading, conferences, publishing), and the amount of money I bring home (enough that I can save a little out of each check--not a huge amount but enough to create an emergency fund). All of this combined makes me feel like I make squat compared to a lot of other people who have less education, spend less time doing their job, and aren't required to participate in professional...