I'm Not the Same Person I was Nine Years Ago

I left my marriage nine years ago. While I agreed to see if we could work things out a couple of years ago, it became clear, for me, the marriage was over. I asked my husband to leave me alone, but true to his nature he continued to try and be a part of my life. He would text several times a day, trying to carry on a conversation. No matter how many times I asked him to stop, he wouldn't. I finally blocked him completely. His calls went straight to voicemail so I could delete them without having to listen to them. Being free from his noise was absolute bliss.

The last year we've had very little contact, and over the last two months there has been no contact at all. I'm ready to call this marriage done, so I retained a lawyer and had the first meeting to learn what I'm facing. It's not pretty, but I'm ready to cut ties completely. I told my lawyer I would talk to my husband and ask him to sign the papers without fussing and dragging this out, but deep down I knew my husband wouldn't agree. He's been hanging on to this ghost of a hope that we'll end up back in the same space even though I've said for years this is never going to happen. 

Yesterday, I met my husband for lunch. We chatted, caught up about work, the kids, the dogs, but there came that moment when the small talk was finished. We had nothing more to talk about. We have nothing in common. We are so far apart on the political spectrum that we can't even see each other. He said many, many times when we did live together that we were two ships passing in the night. We most certainly are.

I told him I want a divorce, that I've retained a lawyer, and I hope he will sign the papers without causing an issue. I told him I would hold off until August to file the papers since he's on my health insurance and I don't want him bounced off before he can go on Medicare. Initially he agreed. He said he figured this is why I contacted him to have lunch and talk. He wasn't surprised. 

An hour later it was a different story. He did a 180. No. No divorce. We had a nice lunch and conversation. We can get along. 

We can't. There is nothing left in my tank for this relationship. There's just an emptiness inside me when I'm around him. 

So now I'm facing a situation of this dragging out and being a very expensive endeavor. I unblocked him to text him about meeting for lunch and talking, and the texts that have come in since yesterday's lunch indicate he will do whatever he can to delay the process, to the point I have no savings left. He also likes to remind me that he will get half of whatever I have. Nine years ago, seven years ago, five years ago, this would have made me incredibly angry. I would have been in a tail-spin. Today, I'm ready to forge ahead. He can have it all. I simply don't care anymore. I'd rather be penniless and free of him than fight to keep what I have and still be attached to him. 

This morning the texts started early. After his text saying I have substantially more assets than he does and he "would actually get your stuff," I responded that the conversation was over and blocked him again. I'm ready to let the chips fall where they may. It sucks, but I need to be completely free of him.

The next few months, maybe more than a few, might be rough. That's okay. I've got good friends, my beautiful furry boys, and my little piece of heaven right here. I'll get through this.

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