Standing at the Trailhead of Winter

I picked up my first camera when I was around nine years old. I started photographing old barns and houses. Silos. Even as a kid, I loved the stories surrounding these structures that were in disrepair, falling down, abandoned. At the time I didn't know how to bring out the best in what I was seeing. Just somehow, I knew there was something there. Fast forward to college. I decided to minor in photography, and it was through these classes that I was able to bring out the best in what I saw through the viewfinder. The photo that truly showed me I have "a good eye" happened during a class trip to Chicago, to the Art Institute. After our tour, we gathered on the sidewalk in front of the Institute. To one side there is a park-like area with seating, trees, and flowers. It was springtime, so the trees were just leafing out. I turned to watch the people and noticed two men sitting on separate benches underneath the trees. One man, a white man, was looking straight ahead. The ot...

Yesterday, I had an incredible day. At one point, while I was on my way home from town after going to get a few houseplants to add to the small assembly I already have, I wondered if . . . in a month, a year, five years, ten years . . . I would remember what an incredible day I had. There are moments, and it seems like these moments are happening far more often these days, that I wish I could remember far more from my childhood, my teens, my 20's, 30's, 40's.  I want to remember. Yesterday: Saturday, October 8, 2022 early morning walk with Murphy, frost on the grass a neighbor asking where my German shepherd is and having to tell him I had to say goodbye to my beautiful boy the sadness finding me again as I thought about Ado a roaring fire in the new fireplace feet toasty warm in front of the fireplace as I graded papers sitting in the Adirondack chair and drinking a steaming cup of coffee, looking out over the back field the drive to town, the tree leaves changing colors, ...

Yesterday I was in need of something sweet and chocolaty, so I went to my favorite vegan YouTuber and found a recipe for brownies . Since I didn't have all the ingredients on hand, I hopped into the Jeep and drove to the closest store, which is 16 miles away. The lengths I go to just for brownies.  But in the end, they were so worth the time and effort. And now, I am indulging for my mid-morning snack.  Today is gloomy and gray, with rain, sleet, and wind. A good day to stay inside. Even the boys didn't want to venture out just a bit ago for a potty break. Both stood at the door, peering out, then turned and went back to the couch to settle in for a nap. I kinda want to join them, but I'm supposed to be available until 12:30 for virtual office hours. So far, I've not heard from any students, which is usually the case. I'd like to think this is because everything I put into the LMS they access for online learning is so incredibly clear they don't have any questio...

I've decided every Friday will be my weigh-in day. I figure I bought the darn scale, so I'm going to use it. Maybe it's the ingredient I've needed all along to hold me accountable for what I eat. The trepidation I feel just looking at the scale is ridiculous, but I conquered the fear yesterday and stepped on. Half a pound down.  And that made me incredibly happy. Seeing that third number change from where it's been the past two years was the jolt of energy I've needed to continue on the path I'm walking. The path of eating strictly plant-based.  I've been working on this for a year and a half. I tried several years ago to be vegetarian, but I ended up feeling awful, and my doctor said eat meat. So I went back to eating meat though I really didn't want to.  So for the past year and a half, I've joked about being a bad vegetarian. I started the 90/10 routine. I ate mostly plants and eggs 90% of the time during the month. The other 10% of the month,...

A year ago I began moving my life from one house to another. My anger was fueling me, and even now, 365 days later, I still feel some embers glowing. I wonder if I will ever wake up one morning and know the anger is completely gone. I have my doubts. Despite the anger, the year was good. This space the kids and I have called home has been wonderful for us. But changes are happening again. Lovely Beautiful Daughter is returning to school to pursue a degree in elementary education. She has also decided it's time she is on her own, in her own space. She won't be so far away this time and has promised to drop by to visit often. Funny Delightful Son is transferring to Western Illinois. He and I will be driving over in a week to meet with his advisor and check out some apartments. This semester he is finishing up some Gen Eds he put off, and while he wasn't looking forward to any of his classes at the beginning of the semester, he did say not too long ago that the classes a...

When I think back to the moment I decided I just couldn't continue in the marriage to the kids' dad, I remember the day so clearly. How could I not? It was the day I gave birth to Angel Baby. Right up to the going into the hospital, of finding myself experiencing incredible pain, I thought my marriage could work. The moment the man who is the father of the three most beautiful beings I've ever been around walked out of the room, didn't stay to support me, didn't see the birth of his son, didn't see me go through a very scary moment of hemorrhaging, I knew my marriage was over. A month later, I set the wheels in motion to extricate myself from the bad that I was living in. Today, as I was walking home from my husband's place, the thought it's time flitted through my mind. Instead of sweeping that thought away, I embraced it. It's time I stop running the other way, hoping the bad can't catch me. It's time to stop and face whatever might come...

I've been reading At Home in the Muddy Water: A Guide to Finding Peace within Everyday Chaos by Ezra Bayda, and one part in particular has spoken to me, made me say, "Yeah, I'm that person." Bayda tells about how during a talk, he told the group he was going to ask several audience members to join him in front of everyone and have them sing their hearts out, like they do in the shower and while in their car. Bayda goes on to relate how the tension in the room very evidently went up. He suggests this happens as a result of what people perceive as an "assault on their cherished self-image." When I read that, I went straight back to 6th grade, when I and every other sixth grader had to get up and sing the "Star Spangled Banner." Solo. I sang it with gusto, just like I did so many other things in life as a ten-year-old. When I finished, one of my classmates looked at me and said, "That was simply awful." The rest of the class laughed. Nee...

For nearly a year now, I've been finding myself doing anything and everything besides what I need to be doing, namely reading and evaluating student work. Whenever I tell myself to plop my behind down in front of the computer and start in on the submitted exercises/assignments, a feeling akin to nausea rumbles in the pit of my stomach. Its slimy tendrils spread through my body, turning my limbs to jelly. I'll make it as far as the office door and can see my computer, but my feet refuse to take another step. Only when I turn and walk away, maybe washing the dishes or putting in a load of laundry or going outside to merely sit on the back deck, does the nausea abate. Avoiding what needs to be done has only created a huge pile of work that now seems insurmountable. A favorite pic from the summer. Maybe a hint?   It's time to face the problem. Instead of dancing around the issue, hoping the desire returns to continue doing what I've been doing for many years, a plan ...

I slept in a sleeping bag in my new tent last night. I settled in around 9, and not too long into an episode of Twin Peaks I fell asleep. Rain started falling at 12:04 am. I know because I checked my phone when the pops against the rain fly woke me up. Thunder rumbled at 4:30 am. I know because I checked my phone when I awoke to a flash then the thunder that followed. I burrowed down into my sleeping bag, hoping to fall back to sleep, but when another flash lit up the inside of the tent, I decided to head inside the house. Lightning scares me. I snuggled down under the comforter and wondered how I was going to fare during the summer if a storm pulls me out of a peaceful sleep like just happened. I won't be able to just up and go inside my house to take comfort in being in my own bed. I'm going to have to deal with being scared. And uncomfortable.