Profoundly Sad Today and I Don't Know Why

I'm right at the edge today, fearing I might step off if the just-right reason shows up. What the just-right reason is, I don't know, but I guess if I end up dissolving into the tears that seem to be threatening, I'll know then. I'm trying to be analytical about the feeling pressing against the back of my eyes and through my nasal passages, hoping that analysis will help the feeling go away. It's not really working.

Sleep eluded me most of the night. Once or twice a month I have a night sleep just won't come. I go to bed tired, but after an hour or two of sleep, I'm wide awake. Tossing, mostly onto my back and my left side. I don't sleep on my right side since my vertigo incident. I actually prefer my right but I'm afraid I'll trigger another bout of dizziness. Sleep laughed at me and slithered off to bathe someone else in dreamland.

I'm pretty sure lack of sleep is part of today's slipping into sadness. That and thoughts of Ado. I miss him so much.

And the just-right reason has shown up.

I thought I was doing better. I was down to crying only once a day. Today has been fighting the tears since the moment I finally threw off the covers and got out of bed. I know I should put Ado's things away. Out of sight out of mind, right? I can't bring myself to actually do this, though. I feel a comfort in seeing his collar, his leash, his scarf. Those items also plunge me into memories. So many walks. The I&M canal hike. Chasing the basketball and puncturing it, shaking it like a dead animal. That was his favorite, I think. He loved himself a good, flattened basketball.

A bright note today: I finally pulled the trigger and self-published my chapbook of poetry. I've been wavering on this for a long, long time. I'll save that conversation for another blog post. My chapbook is available on Amazon and the Barnes and Noble website as an ebook. 


Sooner or later the book will be available as a hard copy. I'm still trying to figure out how the self-publishing world operates, so when I get this sorted, I'll be sure to pass on the information to the five of you who read my blog. 

I'm thinking vegan chocolate chip cookies. Yeah. Just the thought is helping that tears-right-at-the-edge feeling ease some. Maybe the process of mixing the batter, baking, then eating them warm will be the answer. Did you know the word recipe comes from receive which was first connected to how to take a medical prescription? I hereby prescribe vegan chocolate chip cookies for what ails me.

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