Standing at the Trailhead of Winter

 

Over the last couple of weeks, I've been able to make lots of progress on the stairwell to the basement. It was just a shell, basically nothing more than the frame and outside walls and roof. My vision was to put in insulation then cover that with plywood, which would give me a much more functional space. Sometimes when I see a space that's not being used for anything I get a little verklempt. Unused space is a waste.  So I went to work and this is what I now have (yes, I totally neglected to do before pictures). I'm able to hang a lot of my garden tools in this space, freeing up area in the garage. I'm thinking I might also hang my bike here, moving it out of the guest bedroom. I'm so loving having this space be functional. And the doors. Painting them then hanging them to replace the awful doors is like the icing on the cake. A few weeks ago, I guess more like a month ago now, my brother and sister-in-law stopped by on their way home from visiting their daughter i...

Meet Murphy, the newest member of the family.  He is absolutely too cute. And smart. And a cuddle bug. He has slipped right into the spot that's been open and waiting for him to come along.  I started looking for the next member of the family back in May. I tried adopting because I support the "Adopt, Don't Shop" idea, but I never got a response to any of the applications I filled out and submitted. In August, I switched over to a website that lists all kinds of breeds, and since I knew I really wanted an Australian Shepherd, I had tons to choose from. The only downside was most were two hours or longer away. I didn't want to have to drive over two hours one way to pick up a puppy. So I just checked in every now and then to see if new posts were listed that were within my desired driving range. Two weeks ago, a post showed up for Murphy and his brothers and sisters, and they lived a mere thirty minutes away. I called and asked if I could visit the pups, and the ow...

Today marks the one-year anniversary of my dad's death. I'm sitting here shaking my head. Already a year has passed.  In a conversation with a sibling, it was suggested the family lost three people a year ago. Dad to cancer, and two of our siblings to . . . I don't even know how to word it . . . bad behavior? misguided thinking? selfishness? disconnectedness? all of the above? Here we are now, a year later, and the silence has only deepened, at least between me and the two siblings. I won't speak for my other siblings who have been disappointed by these two. At this point, I keep returning to the "it is what it is" catch-all for difficult situations, and I find other things, pleasant and happy things, to focus on. Like the time Dad set the oven on fire (well, he didn't really do it; the turkey did it) while preparing our Thanksgiving feast. Lovely Beautiful Daughter was around 8 years old and walked into the kitchen, loudly exclaiming, "Papaw! The ove...

So, I had (still have) a post about the furnace having a gas leak and the gas company coming out, shutting it off, and my little house getting a bit cold for a day. That same post then goes into my fridge gasping its last breath and me venturing out to find a new one to replace it. There was also the fiasco with a large box store that kept pushing back the delivery of my fencing supplies. Yeah, I have that post ready to publish. But then Funny Delightful Son messaged all of us (we have family channel in Discord) that he tested positive for COVID. Of my three kids, I've been most worried about Funny Delightful Son getting the virus. He's the one who spent four days in the hospital when he was just nine months old. Pneumonia. He's also the one who had mono when he was 14. Then again when he was 17. We hear all the time that a person can't get mono twice. Not true. And each time, Funny Delightful Son was really down and out.  When we went on lockdown back in March, Funny D...

I've been told twice now, that because I believe I am entitled to my perspective on things, just as anyone is entitled to his/her/their perspective, I must be a Democrat (I'm pretty sure this was meant to be an insult). I'm still trying to wrap my brain around this logic, if there is even a logic to it. I guess for the person who said this to me there must be a logic, but I'm failing to find it. For the person who said this to me, it's called Theory of Mind. Look it up. Read about it. Learn about it. Everyone has a perspective that is unique to him/her/they. Even you. And I am more than happy to allow you your perspective on things though they are very different from my own. And in the process, I won't stoop to calling you a BITCH (the all caps where how you sent it in the text). I won't sink so low as to say, "Fuck you" like you did in another text. After you've finished learning about Theory of Mind, consider turning to Malcolm Gladwell's...

So, apparently I'm stepping over the boundaries in speaking out about a family member's behavior. Also, apparently I'm not allowed to have a perspective on what my life was like growing up in my family. According to one sibling (who ordered me not to write about them on the blog, and who I'm pretty sure didn't even know my blog existed until I wrote the last post and it was shared by the family member that post is referring to), "I'm still wondering where the rest of us were when things were SO bad for you. We had an awesome and blessed bringing up."  I don't disagree. We did. But this doesn't mean there weren't bad things, too. It wasn't all butterflies and unicorns. To believe otherwise is to live in La-La Land. And, I just want to go on the record now and say I'm pretty sure I've never said through the years writing on my blog that my life growing up was SO bad. I'm still scratching my head over what blog posts my sibling...

Well, the whole "my siblings and I have been getting along great" after Dad passed away has ended. We've all heard the horror stories of siblings who fight over the estate, taking each other to court or whatever, and I was so glad that wasn't the case for us. I was proud of how my siblings and I were in agreement about so many aspects concerning what to do with Dad's things. Little did I realize . . . At this point, speaking for myself (though I've heard from another sibling that this is true for at least one other in the group as well), I've washed my hands of one of my siblings. The one causing the trouble. And I have said as much to this sibling. I will no longer try to get in contact. Not that it would do any good. This sibling won't respond anyways. Like a petulant child. Or maybe a chicken shit. Probably 1/4 petulant child and 3/4 chicken shit. Because this sibling knows their actions are truly shameful.  Backhanded accusations have been thrown t...

Yesterday I took my first bike ride of the year. Not a long ride by any means -- just out to work to grab a book I needed and to fill out the tuition waiver for Angel Baby (he's decided to return to school!) -- but it was a lovely ride. Earlier in the morning, between reading and fixing some coffee, I watched the frost melt off the Jeep windows, using the slow disappearance of the tiny ice crystals as the gauge for when I could get the bike out and go for a ride. Temps near 50 and sunny with barely any wind to speak of -- yep, I wasn't going to let the day slip by without some kind of ride, even if it was just to Uptown for reading time at the coffeehouse. Today, another beautiful day, with sun and warmth. Another opportunity to get out and ride somewhere. When I arrived home from my ride yesterday, I found a package in my mailbox. I figured it was for Lovely Beautiful Daughter since I haven't ordered anything that needed to be delivered. I'm really trying to cut do...

All the Christmas paraphernalia is tucked away for another year. I figured since it's all been up since Thanksgiving, it could all be taken down today. So it's down. Boxed up. Stored away. Ado tearing into one of his gifts! All morning I smiled as I worked. Yesterday with the kids was so much fun. The most ridiculous gift award goes to Funny Delightful Son. He very proudly handed me a small, heavy box as the first gift to open. I tore away the paper and looked inside. A shiny silver shut-off valve slipped into the palm of my hand. I raised my eyebrows, saying, "Thanks?" He just laughed. A few more gifts were opened around our circle. Lovely Beautiful Daughter squealing over the canvas tennis shoes I got her, and Angel Baby admiring the playmat for his new card game. Then FDS handed me another bigger box. I pulled the paper off and read the word Bidet . At that point the shut-off valve made sense. Ado with what was inside the box! I'm not sure who laugh...

Since posting about being stuck in a funk, I've cycled over 200 miles, written several thousands of words of new material, and practiced yoga several times. I even made orange-cranberry scones and iced coffee to last me all of last week, so each morning I had a treat after taking Ado on a walk. All of this doing what I love to do has felt so good. I have to wonder why I fall into a funk and not want to do these things. They truly do make me happy. When I pull into the drive after forty sweaty miles, nothing can keep the smile off my face. Especially when I look at the stats on my Garmin and realize I'd kept a 15 mph pace, even given having to go slower while on the trail and making my way through the city streets. The same happiness fills me when I see four or five pages filled up with words, all single-spaced. The satisfaction that comes with completing these things I love feels great. It seems like I should never want to go a day without engaging in one or more of these act...

My desk is right under two large windows, affording me a view of our neighbor's large backyard. There are several pine trees on the property line, so I put up a shepherd's hook and hung the bird feeder between two of the trees. Now, as I sit and work at my desk, I can watch the Cardinals at the feeder and the squirrels chasing each other in the neighbor's yard. Today, a mama Cardinal busied herself by helping two of her young manage the feeder. She'd fly in, and the two young ones would try to follow. They didn't quite get the gist of how to perch on the feeder, so she would take seeds to them as they waited in the honeysuckle bush. The squirrels are like kids playing tag. I watched one just the other day lay on its back and play with a stick, much like a cat would do. This while a hawk swooped in to try and grab up the squirrel. The squirrel pretty much just batted at the hawk and went on with what it was doing. The hawk landed in the grass about ten feet away and ...

Summer is steadily creeping by. Thankfully, the last three weeks have been quiet after several months of lots going on. Now that the kids, Ado, and I are settled into the house, we've all found time to relax and just breathe. We have evenings of cooking together, watching movies together, and sitting on the deck to talk about our days. We have days where we each go our own way, but we find time to catch up sooner or later. I've been cycling with a friend a couple mornings each week, and this same friend and I have been writing then sharing our writing with each other once a week. He's holding me accountable for producing new work, and while it's been a challenge, I'm so happy to have someone push me to create. Most of what I've written has been poetry that will be a part of my sabbatical project, giving me several pieces of the puzzle before I leave for the Pacific Coast ride. I feel like I have a head start, and I actually like what I'm seeing coming ou...

Yesterday, and even more so today, I have felt immense relief. Relief that my youngest graduated from high school though he nearly shot himself in the foot over one class. Relief that Funny Delightful Son kept his apartment in such wonderful shape during the last year, making moving then cleaning a quick endeavor. Relief that Lovely Beautiful Daughter texted with the message that her apartment has rented, so she will get her security deposit back though she is breaking her lease a month early. Relief that at least two members of my family are now aware of what is happening between me and my husband. And they found out because of me, the person who had agreed to keep things quiet, writing on this blog. A space that had gone silent for nearly two years. A space I decided to use to think through all the junk in my head. A space I returned to with the thought that no one would be reading it. So I wrote openly, and each time I wrote, I felt a working through happening. I'd not said ...

Sometimes, when I'm working on a new written piece, especially a poem, I'll sketch out what I'm seeing in my mind, what I want to take from the swirling that is in my head to paper. Today, as I was working on a poem that has been pulling at me, I had the overwhelming urge to get the sketch pad out and let the pencil go to work. At one point, I felt as if I wasn't even the one sketching. I wasn't thinking about how I wanted the image to look. It just happened. I've never felt this experience before. I thought, too, that I'm not truly worthy of this kind of experience since I'm not an artist. But I quickly checked myself. For some reason "something" was speaking to me and helping me get what was in my head to the sketch pad. I need to honor that and work to make my vision become tangible. Now, with the image in front of me, I'm finding the words are happening though the writing is slow. Last night I dreamed I was with a friend from work an...

When the kids were younger, toddlers and preteen, I would make sure to get each of them a Valentine's Day gift of some sort, usually chocolate and some other small gift, and usually very last minute, like an hour before school let out if Valentine's happened to fall during the week. Then one year, as I was standing in front of the heart-shaped boxes of chocolates, trying to decide what to get the kids, I said (and I'm pretty sure I said it out loud as I stood there), "Enough, I'm not buying into the idea any longer that I have to spend money on something to show those I love that I love them." Affection and love shouldn't be reserved for just one day of the year. Affection and love are an everyday thing, which is what I've tried to teach the kids their entire lives. Is this one day filled with red hearts, red roses, red ribbons, red everywhere you turn really something we need? The answer for me is an emphatic, "No!" It's not uncommon t...

Fifteen years ago, I became a single mom with three kids. It was a chaotic, painful, stressful time in my life, but I thought then, and I still believe today, that I made the right choice for me and the kids. I don't talk about this time of my life much as I simply don't want to dredge up memories that sadden me. This past weekend, though, I had to face some of those memories, one of which still bothers me all these years later. When the kids' dad and I decided to part ways, one other person in the mix got left behind. A little girl. The kids' half sister. My step-daughter. I agonized over leaving her, often trying to figure out a way to bring her with us, but I simply couldn't since she wasn't mine in a biological sense or a legal sense. Not long after we left, Spunky Step-Daughter found herself without a home. Her own mother left and made it clear she didn't want to be found, and her dad, my ex, stepped away as well, turning the care of his daughter over...

Though the snow and wind arrived later than predicted, both arrived. Fashionably late, I guess. Most of today, right up to about an hour ago, the snow fell. Because of the wind, we have some pretty good drifts around the house. Tomorrow there'll be lots of shoveling going on, but since work already posted notice of not being open for business tomorrow, I have all day to remove the snow from in front of the garage. Plus I have two strong boys home to help me out. They both are more than ready to return to school, so it'll do them good to get out and work off some energy. I love snow days. What better days are there to stay inside and laze about? I read, made a loaf of honey-wheat bread, baked chocolate chip cookies, concocted a new body scrub, and watched the Boilermakers lose to Minnesota. After a dinner of yummy homemade shepherd's pie (day 5 of eating in--didn't have much choice due to the weather), we played a round of bid euchre, with the boys coming from behind t...

Hubby says it gives me an "edge." Friends told me now I'm truly "badass." One of my most favorite family members said, "You crack me up." It's funny how people react when they see my new tatt, but for me, it is a constant reminder of all my new friends from the ride this summer, all the beautiful scenery we witnessed as we rolled along at 15 miles and hour (sometimes only 7 miles an hour when we were climbing mountains like Monarch Pass), and Mom. Though the ride is only a teeny tiny fraction of my entire life, it's impact on me has been way bigger than I had ever dreamed.

Today my boys and I went to lunch at my most favorite place of all--Denny's. Just love Denny's. They often send me coupons for 20% off my bills, so yes, I love Denny's. After we had ordered, Hubby looked at me and asked, "Have you checked your Bike the US for MS profile today?" (Yes, if this sounds familiar, it should. He asked me the same thing yesterday.) I shook my head no as I made a promise to myself that I would only check it once a day from now on, later in the evening. He turned his phone towards me so I could see the screen. My total had jumped again, to $2356, putting me at 62% of goal. Another dream donation had been made, this one by a dear, dear friend. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Dear Friend. Yesterday's dream donation put me into a daze state. I went to the cupboard to get a glass for some chocolate milk. I pulled out a bowl and started pouring. When about a quarter of a cup pooled in the bottom, it struck me that I had a bowl inst...