Facing Truth

I was sitting in my oversized chair last evening, watching a new Netflix show, when the very top of the full moon edged above the apartment building next door. I watched it rise, finally appearing entirely. I switched off the TV, spread out my meditation blanket, lit the candle, and turned off the one lamp in the living room.

In the yellow light of the moon and the flickering candlelight, I settled onto the blanket. Ado came over and curled up right against my legs, and together we spent the next half hour in meditation. Well, I tried to in any case.

The moon shining through the piece
of stained glass art in the window.
Maybe it was the effect of the full moon. Maybe it was the warmth of Ado pressing against my legs, feeling his breathing, feeling his energy. Whatever it was, I just couldn't go into full-on meditation. Instead, a memory from long ago surfaced, one that I've not visited in a very, very long time. Because I'm ashamed of the decision I made. But last evening I forced myself to visit that memory, to examine it from every angle possible, and instead of coming up with excuses for justifying why I made the decision I did, I finally . . . finally . . . admitted I screwed up. Big time.

For much of my meditation time, I asked for forgiveness.

Ado must have felt my sorrow. He sat up and turned so that he was facing me. Then very gently he nosed my entire face. This pretty much sent me over the edge. My meditation session ended with me in tears.

But I'm glad I faced that memory. I'm glad I didn't just tuck it away like I've always done, not wanting to really see the truth behind that decision. I'm still feeling the weight of my meditation session this morning, but I know I can start paving a path of peace for myself, and I'm pretty sure Ado will be right beside me with each step I take.

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