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Saturday, April 1, 2017

Determined to Emerge

I have found myself fumbling about, grasping at trying to become motivated to do something. Anything. Just do. For several weeks now, I've not been able to convince myself to shed the dispiritedness that has taken hold. I do enough to get through my days, completing the tasks required of me at work, but even those are done less than half-heartedly. I desperately want to move past whatever this is making me feel like my whole body and mind are trudging through mud.

Yesterday, my husband tried, again, to convince me to stay. He'll get a job. He'll fix this financial issue he created. He'll take walks with me and Ado. He'll do all kinds of things if it means I will stay. I want him to become a better version of himself, but I doubt that me staying will make that happen. And I think this because as we talk, woven between what he'll do to make things better are comments about how the reason we are where we are is my fault.

Perhaps I am the reason we are at the point of no return. After all, I expect certain behavior from those around me. Like pulling one's weight by being gainfully employed. I don't necessarily care what one does to make money, as long as it's legal. Like helping with the mess that comes with living in a house. See a cup on the table? Put it in the dishwasher. See dog hair bunnies hatching in the corners of the room? Pull out the sweeper and give the room a going-over. Like wanting to join in for a bike ride, a walk, just reading in the same room. He accused me of doing whatever I want whenever I want. I do because I've asked him to do things with me and he has turned me down a lot.

So yes, I guess I am to blame for our relationship swirling down the drain. I'm not content to sit in front of a TV. I'm not content to sit in front of a computer and scroll through videos, memes, and other inane social media what-not. I prefer to be more involved in life, life that is happening all around me, even along the familiar path I walk each and every day.

I almost passed by these purple pretties while Ado and I strolled along the drainage ditch. Thankfully Ado paused to nose at something, and I happened to look down. The fragile beauties emerging from their winter rest made me smile.

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