The Weight of Loss

The end of the semester brought with it lots of not feeling like doing much of anything. We had a couple of days of snow, which was wonderful as it allowed me the opportunity to get out and snowshoe, but those days were followed by bitter cold then a warming trend. Now the snow is gone and the ground is soft, muddy, and just lots of yuck. The dogs track in the mud, so I've had to sweep and mop after them, adding to the feelings of just not wanting to have to do anything. 

Those feelings, while I go through this every now and then, have stuck around much longer than usual. I was doing the daily routine -- walking the dogs in the morning, playing with them, taking Teddie to his sniff games classes and Sunny to his companion dog classes -- but the between time of these activities has been a lot of vegging out in front of the TV and spending way too much time online, reading article after article addressing the bad happening in this country. 

Today, I finally admitted to myself I've been sinking into depression. I took myself outside and cleaned the yard, all the while thinking about why this is happening. Two things. The first is reading way too much online. My heart is broken over the way people are being treated. I worry that programs designed to help better our society are being eliminated. There's more, much more, and I've been allowing it to seep deep into my being. I have to stop reading. I have to move away from being online.

Coupled with reading too much online is grief. Recently, I made the final break from my husband. We've been dancing around our marriage for the last eight years. Off then on again then off then on again. In March, I took a hard step away. Like through the years, though, I caved at times, allowing him to "visit the dogs." That's the excuse he makes for wanting to come to the house even though none of the dogs were ever his to begin with. I brought each of them home after we separated years ago. A few weeks ago, I made it clear we are done. I am done. I blocked him on my phone and haven't talked to him since. He has called, but it goes straight to voicemail. I don't respond. I can't. I need to move on without him. Knowing this brings on a deep sadness. 

Admitting to what's causing the desire to do absolutely nothing has helped already. Cleaning the yard helped, too. This led to cleaning the garage. Then cleaning the house. And making Christmas sugar cookies. I'm sure I'll have moments every now and then when I'll feel the weight of loss, but hopefully they'll be fewer and fewer over the coming months. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Finding Calm Amidst the Pines

Image
The Orange trail Spring was really trying to push Winter off center stage the last few weeks, and in doing so, the spring fever kicked in something fierce. I'd already been having a tough time sitting down in front of the computer to complete work, and the sunny, warmer days were not helping one teeny-tiny bit. All I wanted was to be outside, which is exactly what I did last weekend and right up until it turned cold again this week. The boys and I have had some wonderful long walks, one of which was at Sand Ridge. They were troopers, finishing the day with nearly 9 miles after our usual morning walk, hiking the Brown trail, then hiking a bit of the Orange trail. I liked the Orange trail so much I went back the next day and hiked alone. I wanted to slow down and take some pictures of the trail and its surroundings. They say nature is the cure for what ails you, and I completely agree. The hush amidst the pines. The softness of the ground covered with pine needles. The flit of the ch...
Read more

Taking My Health Into My Own Hands (Cuz My Doc Certainly Isn't All That Helpful)

After a month of tracking my glucose levels, I've learned a few things, the most important being I need to have something sweet in the evenings. An orange. A fruit smoothie. A vegan chocolate chip cookie. When I don't, my glucose dips with each consecutive morning after not having something sweet, the monitor showing my glucose going lower and lower. While I never went below 79, I was inching lower each morning after not having something sweet the evening before. So now, I make sure I have fruit or a smoothie with dinner. Every now and then I'll have an orange juice mid-day just because. While I don't think a month is long enough to really know if my glucose levels were the culprit for the tachycardia, I have felt so much better. The weird feeling I'd been experiencing when the tachycardia was happening has not happened. The waves of heat that would wash over me, causing me to peel off my sweatshirt or sweater even though my house is at 65 degrees haven't happen...
Read more

Looking Forward to 2024

2023 was okay. I really have nothing to complain about regarding life in general throughout 2023.  Well . . . then again . . . that's not entirely true. Mostly true, but there was that one thing . . .. The thing that happened on April 1st. Of all days, it had to happen on this day. This was the day I drove myself to the ER that's 40 minutes away, after standing up from my recliner and feeling my heart take off. It was like I had just run the 100 meter dash, giving my all to cross that finish line first. Only I didn't run the 100 meter dash. I merely stood up from my recliner. I was on my way to take a shower, so I continued to do so, hoping my heart would slow down and go back to my usual 70ish heart rate. In the shower, my heart just kept on, and the more it didn't slow down, the more scared I became. So I finished the shower, got dressed, and drove myself to the ER. That drive was surreal. I just kept thinking: if I pass out, I hope I veer off to the right, into the b...
Read more