Finding My Way Back to This Space

So, it's December. Four months since I last posted. Four months of good, bad, and ugly.

First, the good. Iceland. All I can say is it was fantastic. Angel Baby is the best travel buddy. We truly had a wonderful time. After the end of the semester, I'll write a longer post about our adventure. For now, just know that he and I couldn't have asked for a better trip.

Second, the bad. My husband is still insisting he and I are fine. We're not. It's been nearly three years since I looked at him and said, "I'm moving out." Still, he behaves as if all is just peachy. I finally blocked him on my phone. Now, I am close to blocking him through email. I've told him over and over that we are not "we" any longer. I'm not sure what it is going to take for him to accept that I do not want to reconcile and that I will never move back in with him.

And lastly, the ugly. On November 8, my sister called me to tell me my dad was ill. Cancer. I went over the following Wednesday and stayed a few days with him. I then returned home for the weekend to get some things in order at work and around the house. Monday, November 18, I drove back to Dad's to stay for the week and help with whatever was needed. In just the few days over the weekend when I had returned home, my dad's health declined significantly. That Monday when I walked back into his house, I couldn't believe the man I was looking at was my dad. Over the next few days, his decline could be seen on a minute by minute basis. On Saturday, November 23, my dad passed away. Thankfully, my sister, two of my brothers, and I were by his beside when he left this world.

Today, I am only five days past saying the final goodbye to Dad. We had his funeral Mass on Friday, November 29. It feels like the last three weeks were a lifetime.

Now . . . now I am trying to get everything connected to work caught up while still trying to process Dad's death. The last four days of his life were the toughest four days of my own life, and I know it will take some time for me to find a place to tuck away the memories of those four days.

For the time being, I'm finding comfort in cuddling with Ado, working on finishing up my manuscript, and walking. A lot of walking. Feeling the brisk air on my face. Seeing the squirrels scurrying up and down the trees. Watching a Cooper's hawk glide overhead. Crossing paths with a beautiful red fox. 

Comments

Thryn said…
Precious, Precious Friend.... I am so delighted by the good, so perplexed on your behalf by the bad (and praying for some answers and relief), and so very sorry for the ugly -- the physical loss, the emotional pain, the life-force trauma. You are one of the wisest and kindest, most creative people I know. You will find your path through, but it's okay to sit in the puddles. I'll sit with you! Love, K

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