Today has been a rough day emotionally. After kind of just wandering around the house, outside, and through the grocery store, I thought the best way to handle my emotions was to write.
When I went to the consult for the breast reduction surgery, the doc had me raise my right hand and swear I would not get angry at him about the size of my breasts post-surgery for at least six weeks. He went on, saying I would go through a period of swelling and not seeing the true results for at least that long, maybe longer. When I went in for my check-up this past Thursday, he measured me, and with a bit of a smirk he said, "You're bigger now than you were last week." To someone who has always tried to minimize the big, this wasn't what I wanted or needed to hear, especially from a man who was trying not to laugh about it. This morning, I could tell the breasts are even bigger than they were on Thursday. Yeah, not funny at all.
So I'm trying to convince myself this is just temporary. I'm trying to remember how Doc said the swelling and the bruises will work their way down through my torso and this takes time. I'm trying to remember what I used to look like and be happy that I don't look like that any longer. I'm trying to be thankful the incisions are healing well and actually look great considering I'm not even two weeks post-surgery. I'm thinking ahead to maybe being able to get back on the bike next weekend. All of these are positives. I'm trying really, really hard to be positive.
But then I look in the mirror, front then side, and I don't see any difference in how I look now versus how I looked before the surgery. I can feel the swelling but my emotions say this is how I'm going to look from here on. I feel like I'm right back to having to camouflage, hide, take pains to reduce the size of my breasts. The thought that I wasted a lot of time and money on this keeps flitting through my mind.
The only thing I can do is wait. Wait for the swelling to dissipate. Wait for the breasts to settle in. I waited a long time for the actual surgery to happen. I can wait another five weeks to see what the actual results will be. Patience? That's another issue altogether.