Sunday, April 20, 2014

Emotional Rollercoaster

Today has been a rough day emotionally. After kind of just wandering around the house, outside, and through the grocery store, I thought the best way to handle my emotions was to write.

When I went to the consult for the breast reduction surgery, the doc had me raise my right hand and swear I would not get angry at him about the size of my breasts post-surgery for at least six weeks. He went on, saying I would go through a period of swelling and not seeing the true results for at least that long, maybe longer. When I went in for my check-up this past Thursday, he measured me, and with a bit of a smirk he said, "You're bigger now than you were last week." To someone who has always tried to minimize the big, this wasn't what I wanted or needed to hear, especially from a man who was trying not to laugh about it. This morning, I could tell the breasts are even bigger than they were on Thursday. Yeah, not funny at all.

So I'm trying to convince myself this is just temporary. I'm trying to remember how Doc said the swelling and the bruises will work their way down through my torso and this takes time. I'm trying to remember what I used to look like and be happy that I don't look like that any longer. I'm trying to be thankful the incisions are healing well and actually look great considering I'm not even two weeks post-surgery. I'm thinking ahead to maybe being able to get back on the bike next weekend. All of these are positives. I'm trying really, really hard to be positive.

But then I look in the mirror, front then side, and I don't see any difference in how I look now versus how I looked before the surgery. I can feel the swelling but my emotions say this is how I'm going to look from here on. I feel like I'm right back to having to camouflage, hide, take pains to reduce the size of my breasts. The thought that I wasted a lot of time and money on this keeps flitting through my mind.

The only thing I can do is wait. Wait for the swelling to dissipate. Wait for the breasts to settle in. I waited a long time for the actual surgery to happen. I can wait another five weeks to see what the actual results will be. Patience? That's another issue altogether.


Cathy said...

Have you had any other experience with recovery from surgery? It does take a long time to heal.

I know it's a totally diferent thing, but it took a long time for soreness and tenderness to go away post op when my gallbladder was removed. Even today, if I twist or stretch strangey, I can feel some scar tissue moving around (not in a bad way...just weird).

The doc has seen a lot of surgeries and a lot of post op situations. Try to trust that when he says it's just swelling that will go away, that he is right.

I don't know what you are going through, but I can hear in your writing that you are frustrated. I hope that you can find peace and patience.

Much much love to you!!!!!!

JK said...

I don't have any experience with surgery/healing, so this is completely new to me. I know you're right, that I just need to trust the doc since he's the one who has seen a lot of surgeries/recoveries. I ended up taking a nice long walk yesterday after writing, and by the time I got back, I felt a lot better.

Thanks for your support. I truly appreciate it.

Debbie said...

Jennifer, YES! I am a very experienced surgical patient and know, for sure, that there will be a ton of settling to happen for you yet. And, being funny here… they will at least be more perky for now, until the swelling goes down. So, big or small they still look better! :)

JK said...

You are so right, Debbie. They are very perky right now! :) And they are definitely better than what I had going on before. I know I just need to be patient and enjoy the new me.

Debbie said...

And, while you wait patiently, think of my boobies sagging to the knees with nipples pointing to hell instead of foward like headlights like they should. That should make you laugh at least! :)

JK said...

Hahahaha! Yes, made me laugh. You know who my doc is . . . . just sayin'.