Friday, December 21, 2012

And Just Like That A Year Has Passed

I can't believe a year has slipped by since Mom left this world. When I woke up at 5:21, one of my first thoughts was how a year ago today, at 4:07 am, my cell phone rang. I knew it was my sister. I knew she was going to tell me Mom had passed away. The days that have made up the year since that early morning call have all contained one constant: loss. In the wake of my loss, my family's loss, one positive happened: a sense of purpose. What started with a bike ride across the US to raise funds for MS research has turned into a desire to continue raising awareness of what MS is and to advocate for those living with MS. How this happens is yet undetermined. I'm hoping during 2013, the answer to the question of how? comes to light.

I'm not sure what my next move will be. While I dream of having the women's specific bike shop, I haven't proceeded with the business plan because Negative Voice in my head keeps insisting I'll never get financial assistance. Logical Voice says, "Jenn, you don't know this for sure, and you won't ever know until you have a plan in place and present it to someone who can give you either a definite yes or a definite no." My mom always used to tell me, "You won't know until you actually try," and I even use the You Have to Actually Try card on my own kids these days, so if I don't play this card myself, that makes me a hypocrite, right? When I sit back and think about the bike shop, I'm the only one who doesn't believe it can become a reality. All of my friends do. One even gave me a great idea to make a part of the shop. Another told me she couldn't wait to bring her daughter in to buy a new bike. So why am I hesitating?

Because of the hesitation, I have been putting Plan B into place. This plan is taking shape and includes everything I'd like to do regarding cycling except the MS advocacy. Ohhhhh, wait a second! I take that back! The MS advocacy is actually a part of Plan B as I signed up to do a segment of Bike the US for MS Northern Tier. Come mid June 2013, I will be riding the Indiana/Illinois portion of the tour--six days of cycling and camping right in my back yard--so I will be raising funds for the ride and spreading the word just like I want to continue doing. Perhaps Plan B is the way I'm supposed to go.

The direction my life is going is because of my mom. Though she is no longer with me in the physical form, she is definitely with me in the spiritual: still nudging me, still encouraging me, and still whispering, "You won't know until you actually try."

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