And Just Like That A Year Has Passed

 
I can't believe a year has slipped by since Mom left this world. When I woke up at 5:21, one of my first thoughts was how a year ago today, at 4:07 am, my cell phone rang. I knew it was my sister. I knew she was going to tell me Mom had passed away. The days that have made up the year since that early morning call have all contained one constant: loss. In the wake of my loss, my family's loss, one positive happened: a sense of purpose. What started with a bike ride across the US to raise funds for MS research has turned into a desire to continue raising awareness of what MS is and to advocate for those living with MS. How this happens is yet undetermined. I'm hoping during 2013, the answer to the question of how? comes to light.

I'm not sure what my next move will be. While I dream of having the women's specific bike shop, I haven't proceeded with the business plan because Negative Voice in my head keeps insisting I'll never get financial assistance. Logical Voice says, "Jenn, you don't know this for sure, and you won't ever know until you have a plan in place and present it to someone who can give you either a definite yes or a definite no." My mom always used to tell me, "You won't know until you actually try," and I even use the You Have to Actually Try card on my own kids these days, so if I don't play this card myself, that makes me a hypocrite, right? When I sit back and think about the bike shop, I'm the only one who doesn't believe it can become a reality. All of my friends do. One even gave me a great idea to make a part of the shop. Another told me she couldn't wait to bring her daughter in to buy a new bike. So why am I hesitating?

Because of the hesitation, I have been putting Plan B into place. This plan is taking shape and includes everything I'd like to do regarding cycling except the MS advocacy. Ohhhhh, wait a second! I take that back! The MS advocacy is actually a part of Plan B as I signed up to do a segment of Bike the US for MS Northern Tier. Come mid June 2013, I will be riding the Indiana/Illinois portion of the tour--six days of cycling and camping right in my back yard--so I will be raising funds for the ride and spreading the word just like I want to continue doing. Perhaps Plan B is the way I'm supposed to go.

The direction my life is going is because of my mom. Though she is no longer with me in the physical form, she is definitely with me in the spiritual: still nudging me, still encouraging me, and still whispering, "You won't know until you actually try."

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Marigolds

Image
The smell of marigolds isn't completely pleasant. It's not completely offensive either. It's somewhere in between. It's a smell all its own. Hours after my hands have moved their long stems, cupped the blooms in wonder, I have to pause what I'm doing -- making the bed, vacuuming the house, hanging up clothes that had been unceremoniously dropped on the bedroom floor -- when the faint whiff of marigold drifts up to remind me of my time with them. Marigolds are just lovely. Whenever I see a marigold or smell a marigold, I'm taken back to my childhood. To a movie that for some reason became a part of who I am. I was only eight when the movie came out, but I remember having a very strong reaction to it, and every summer when I plant marigolds, I think of that movie: The Effect of Gamma Rays on Man in the Moon Marigolds. I try to watch it at least once a year, and since the marigolds I planted this summer are blooming, I thought the time is perfect to watch the movie
Read more

Profoundly Sad Today and I Don't Know Why

Image
I'm right at the edge today, fearing I might step off if the just-right reason shows up. What the just-right reason is, I don't know, but I guess if I end up dissolving into the tears that seem to be threatening, I'll know then. I'm trying to be analytical about the feeling pressing against the back of my eyes and through my nasal passages, hoping that analysis will help the feeling go away. It's not really working. Sleep eluded me most of the night. Once or twice a month I have a night sleep just won't come. I go to bed tired, but after an hour or two of sleep, I'm wide awake. Tossing, mostly onto my back and my left side. I don't sleep on my right side since my vertigo incident. I actually prefer my right but I'm afraid I'll trigger another bout of dizziness. Sleep laughed at me and slithered off to bathe someone else in dreamland. I'm pretty sure lack of sleep is part of today's slipping into sadness. That and thoughts of Ado. I miss h
Read more

Writing With Light

Image
I couldn't believe how nervous I was as I poured the developer into the canister. My hands were literally shaking. You'd think I was performing some important surgery. No. I was developing my first black and white film in many years. Many, many years. I've been working towards this moment for the last three years. Every time I took a step forward, I ended up taking two backwards. I was so afraid I was going to royally mess up the process and not have any frames worth printing (or in today's world, scanning to the computer). My mindset was I'd rather not try if it meant failing. How dumb is that? Thankfully Lovely Beautiful Daughter told me to just stop. It wouldn't matter if I did fail. It's just film and chemicals. Both can be bought and the process can be tried again. And again until I get it right. I used to develop film all the time. The muscle memory would kick in sooner or later. The fails would be less and less.  I'm so glad I listened to her. Whi
Read more