Standing at the Trailhead of Winter

I finally did it. I took a deep breath and said just do it. So I drew out a wad of money and got my fireplace the way I really wanted it: with a wood-burning fireplace insert. A year and a half ago, I had a vent-free gas insert installed. I liked it, but it just wasn't what I really wanted. I figure I only get one go at this thing called life -- there are no dress rehearsals -- so I decided to remove the vent-free gas insert and go with a woodstove. I had initially planned to do a free-standing woodstove and tile the firebox a really pretty pattern, but that plan just wasn't going to work out. The chimney needed work I wasn't going to be able to do. So I called in the professionals, and after discussing the issue with them, they got me all set up. The work took about five and a half hours, and I enjoyed watching the entire process. I think the coolest part was looking up into the chimney after it was cleaned. All the nasty was gone. I could see the red brick instead of blac...

I found this today as I was pulling weeds from my very neglected flower bed on the north side of the house. At first I was unsure if it was something that had been growing under all the weeds, or if it was a piece of plastic from a long forgotten toy, or something else entirely. It was just really strange to find amidst the weeds and wood chips. The more I looked at it the more I thought it was a fungus, so I pulled my phone from my jeans pocket and typed in "orange tube fungus" and the very first result was an image of this very odd-looking thingamajig. It is the mutinus elegans. I figured elegans meant elegant, and it does, so whoever named this certainly had a sense of humor. It really isn't all that elegant in my humble opinion. I read further and learned the fungus is more commonly referred to as the "elegant stinkhorn," the "dog stinkhorn," the "headless stinkhorn," or, and this is my personal favorite, the "devil's dipstick....

I'm right at the edge today, fearing I might step off if the just-right reason shows up. What the just-right reason is, I don't know, but I guess if I end up dissolving into the tears that seem to be threatening, I'll know then. I'm trying to be analytical about the feeling pressing against the back of my eyes and through my nasal passages, hoping that analysis will help the feeling go away. It's not really working. Sleep eluded me most of the night. Once or twice a month I have a night sleep just won't come. I go to bed tired, but after an hour or two of sleep, I'm wide awake. Tossing, mostly onto my back and my left side. I don't sleep on my right side since my vertigo incident. I actually prefer my right but I'm afraid I'll trigger another bout of dizziness. Sleep laughed at me and slithered off to bathe someone else in dreamland. I'm pretty sure lack of sleep is part of today's slipping into sadness. That and thoughts of Ado. I miss h...

Murphy and I have been keeping busy, trying to keep the sadness somewhat at bay. It's been tough. I find myself constantly thinking about Ado. And Murphy basically told me no when I put his dinner in Ado's bowl instead of the little one he'd been eating out of for the last nearly two years. When I put the food in the bowl, then put the bowl in it's wooden holder, Murphy looked at me like, "What in the world, hoomin. That is not where my food goes." He then barked his resistance. It took a bit of cajoling to get him to be okay with eating out of Ado's bowl. Last week we went to the lake I took Ado to for his first longer hike. Murphy and I walked the path, and I remembered so much of being there with Ado. Murphy enjoyed the hike and was one tuckered out pup when we got home. Yesterday, we went to another park I've never been to before. Before we set off on our walk, I pulled out the bag with two donuts and shared them with Murphy. I think he preferred t...

It seems like a huge, dark hole has opened in the middle of my house. I skirt the edges, trying not to fall in. But then I see his favorite spot to sleep and I can't keep the tears back. Or I go to get Murphy's leash and I see his hanging from the hook, bringing the tears to the surface once again. His empty food bowl provokes yet more tears.  My hope above all other hopes is that he knew he was so, so loved.

I had a wonderful break from the blog. And from writing in general. At first I was upset with myself for stepping away entirely, but as the weeks passed I learned to give myself some grace about letting go. Letting go of old dreams. Writing/publishing are old dreams. I've done both. Then I found myself at the point of not enjoying the writing part, and the trying to publish part even less. I fought with myself for a long time, not being willing to give up, but my gut was saying it was the right thing to do. And it was. Now? I don't know . . . we'll see.  My summer was all about the greenhouse and flowers. Enjoyed every single minute.

Well, as you can see, I've not kept up with the photo a day. I have them. I've just not felt inclined to continue posting. Other things are keeping me busy. And I've been enjoying the time away from the computer.  So, after much thought, I've decided to take a break from the blog.  I hope you all are having a wonderful, beautiful spring.