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Showing posts from December, 2011

The Wind is My Friend

I peeked through the blinds around 11 o'clock to see what was happening outside our cozy little home. I could see the sun trying to break through the blue-gray clouds, the kind that usher in snow, and I could see our neighbor's birdhouse swinging from the force of the wind. Hubby asked what I was doing. Checking the wind, I told him. Because he had his new tablet sitting on his lap, he quickly tapped the weather icon. 22 mph out of the south, he said. Since 17 mph couldn't stop me from getting out for a ride two days ago, I wasn't about to let 22 mph stop me from getting a ride in today. Wind from the side is much more tolerable than a headwind, so I started out heading southwest. Buildings are great windbreaks, but when there's a gap, watch out. That wind will just about knock you down. Riding on windy days doesn't appeal to a lot of people, but I like the challenge of staying steady, of keeping my speed above 14 mph, of not getting pushed off the side of the

Surrounded by Love

Yesterday, my family gathered to celebrate Mom's life at the church she and Dad called home for the last few years. White and yellow flower arrangements, red poinsettias, and white poinsettias adorned the area around the altar, giving off a cozy, warm feel. This warmth flowed through every hug, every squeeze of the hand, every wistful smile when Mom's name was spoken. Though the last two months have been incredibly difficult, yesterday the love and compassion shared by everyone helped ease the pain. The most poignant moment for me (and I don't know at what part of the ceremony this happened as I was overcome with the sadness of saying goodbye to Mom while at the same time feeling such joy at my son's response, so now all I have is an awareness of this one, tiny moment in time) came when I was wiping tears from my cheeks. My youngest put his arms around me and whispered, "I've got you." I'll forever hold this memory close to my heart.

Bounty From the Change Jar

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My BTUSFMS change jar was nearly full, so I took it to the bank to see how much had been collected and to get a cashier's check to send off for the ride. Between the change and the bills, some of which had been handed to me by friends over the last month, the total came to $179.40! What a great check to put in the mail. The total amount raised for the ride thus far is now . . . drum roll please . . . $1004.40. Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive. I will forever be grateful.

Christmas Cookie Tradition

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For quite a few years, I lived close to Mom and Dad in Tennessee. They moved down in the mid 80's, having found a cabin that they fell in love with, on a hillside overlooking the Cumberland River. A year or two after they left the Midwest, I followed. It became a Christmas ritual for Mom and me to get together to bake butter cookies and decorate them. Even after I moved back to the Midwest, the kids and I continued the tradition of baking butter cookies and frosting them with all kinds of designs. This year, though, the baking got pushed to the side and I wasn't sure any cookies were going to be made. Yesterday, I found the energy to get started on them. I mixed up the dough, covered it, and let it sit until this afternoon. Once all the hoopla of the day was over, I spent some time rolling the dough, cutting the shapes, baking, then decorating. Nothing fancy by any means, but just going through the motions brought back lots of wonderful memories of being in the kitchen with M

A Granddaughter and Her Mimi

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Because Beautiful, Lovely Daughter is in China, she wasn't able to tell her Mimi goodbye. The two were particularly close, and not being able to be here for her Mimi, not being able to tell her she loves her, and not being able to attend her service are causing Beautiful, Lovely Daughter to feel overwhelming sadness. I know she needs a hug. I know she needs a shoulder to cry on. But I'm here and she's there. The best I can do right now is chat with her when it's 6 pm here and 8 am the next day where she is. Back Yard Show When my daughter was three or so, I, being the slacker mom that I am most of the time, allowed her to watch Jurassic Park . She loved that movie. She knew all the lines and anytime we had jello for dinner, she would put a glob of it on her spoon then hold it up, get that fear-stricken look on her face, and shake her hand just enough to make the jello wiggle. Her Mimi used to get great pleasure out of her granddaughter's acting. To further hon

How?

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How do you write about someone slipping into death? Losing her battle against a foe she could never see but knew was there nonetheless? How do you write about all the fears she voiced? Her worst that of being alone when the time finally arrived? How do you write about the pain she experienced? So intense she curled into a ball and bit her fingers? How do you write about her sadness at not being able to smile any longer? So deep her eyes shone with what little tears remained? How do you write about her strength slowly draining away? Mustering all her energy to nod when asked if she knew she is loved? How do you write about mere seconds of recognition registering in her brown eyes? Fleeting but hopefully giving her solace knowing family was there? How do you write about a family gathered to say goodbye to a loved one slipping into death? Elizabeth Ellen Heath Pauken, December 28, 1934 -- December 21, 2011, you are much loved and will be greatly missed.

Cycling Towards Solace

With the semester over and me back home today, I had time to get to the gym and put in an hour on the spinner. Since I haven't been cycling long distances for several months now, I wasn't too sure how the legs were going to feel. I found out they were just fine and could have gone longer. There were even moments I was so caught up in what I was thinking about that when I looked at how much time had passed I was surprised. Usually spinning bores me, but not today. Today spinning helped me work out some built up tension. My mind is consumed with Mom's condition and the knowledge that any time I will receive a call saying she has slipped away. When I left yesterday, she was somewhere none of the rest of us could go. This morning, a text from my sister said she is still unresponsive, not eating, not drinking. Right behind all these thoughts are worries about my dad who has been the most wonderful husband and caretaker a wife could ask for. The last words Mom spoke were Friday

A Difficult Day

Today was probably one of the most difficult days I've ever had during my entire life. Watching a loved one decline and watching the love of her life struggle tears at the heart. I think I felt my heart break a little this afternoon from the pain I felt for my two very dear loved ones. All we can do now is hold Mom's hand, talk to her in hopes she is hearing us, and be there for her. She appears comfortable. I hope wherever she is within herself she's laughing, playing the piano, dancing, riding horses, and all the other things she loved to do before life with MS.

Returning to Family

The last few days I've been at my parents, well, most of the time at the new nursing home Mom is now in. They have classified her as "end of life" care and are doing all they can to make her comfortable. She experiences small moments of knowing all of us, but for the most part she recedes to a place only she inhabits. We can tell when she's in pain, and we work to make the pain less so, but knowing to what level the pain is is almost impossible. Watching a loved one decline is incredibly difficult, but from another's suffering comes gifts for those of us saying goodbye. The largest gift of all has been family getting to know one another again. Over the last thirty years, we've all led very busy lives, sometimes so busy we forgot about family. Occasionally we planned a family get-together, but those were few and far between. Since Mom's decline began, we've seen each other often, gathering at my sister's place, at the nursing home, and at restaura

Giving A Little

Recently I joined a social networking site that's all about giving . I stumbled onto this site while researching MS, and for a good part of an evening I perused the postings, reading about all the different ways people from all different walks of life are giving. My heart swelled with each account of gift giving I read. Feeling like I'd found a home, I joined. Much like feeling grounded and focused after applying for and being accepted as a cyclist for the Bike the US for MS TRANSAM route summer 2012, being a part of the giving challenge community has given me a way to mindfully walk through my days. I look forward to meeting the challenge every day, and instead of stopping with one gift, I'm constantly thinking about how to make each and every moment of my day a giving moment. While this may not be doable, the thinking about it keeps me in a positive mindset, and the what if's make me search for ways to make the ideas come to fruition. Today's gift came about a

A Certain Peace

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Today I checked in with my BTUSFMS profile page to see if there'd been any action. Pleasantly surprised, I saw my total raised to date at $500. Scrolling down the list, I read the names of two friends who had made donations, and one anonymous donor adding to the total. I am so thankful to all who are talking about my upcoming ride, spreading the word about my ride to raise awareness, and also to those who have donated, helping me inch closer and closer to my goal. With the cash donations I have to submit, I'm at $620+, which is around the Hindman, KY point on the map. I'm into my second week of my commitment to BTUSFMS, and I can't help but feel so blessed. I know without a doubt I made the right decision in applying for the ride and taking on the challenge of raising the money which will go to MS research. The support from family and friends has been absolutely awesome; talking with them about the ride gives me so much pleasure, and I feel a certain peace when it co

Oogling My Goodies

I arrived home after a very long day yesterday to a package from Bike the US for MS. Though I was extremely tired, tired to the point of only thinking about putting on my jammies and vegging out on the couch all evening, excitement flowed at the thought of the goodies inside the box. Funny, Delightful Son was standing by the counter, almost as eager as I was to rip into the package. I told him to go ahead, and with a smile on his face, he picked it up and tore the tape off. He opened one flap then the other, reached in and pulled out a BTUSFMS water bottle. Next came a BTUSFMS navy blue t-shirt. Last were stickers, calling cards, and postcards. As I stood there, oogling my BTUSFMS goodies, Hubby looked at me and said, "Well, I guess it's official. You're really doing this." Yes, I'm really going to ride my sweet, sweet Madone 3.1 from Yorktown, VA to San Fran, CA. I'm really going to try my darndest to raise $3785 (ideally more than that) between now and Jun

Initiation

Yesterday I received my initiation into nursing home care, and I have no other way to put it than it sucks. On the surface, the place where my mom is now a resident looks really nice. It's fairly new, with a beauty salon, a fitness center, a rec area, and other amenities. Stay just a few hours and you find out the facility is extremely understaffed, doesn't have enough supplies, and both of these create a situation where patients wait a very long time for care. I arrived to find Mom in extreme pain. The spasms associated with MS have increased in frequency as well as intensity. I watched as my mom writhed in pain, sometimes breaking down and crying. The helplessness I felt was awful, and the look of grief on my dad's face was even worse. He and I finally said enough and collared the nurse, asking that she please give our loved one something for the pain. She came back quickly with a pain med. Mom was able to swallow it but because of her condition, she vomited a tiny amou

Six months from today . . .

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I will begin the cycling trip I've been wanting to do for some time now: Bike the US for MS . I'll be doing the TRANSAM route, which begins in Yorktown, Virginia and ends in San Fransisco, California. That's 3785 miles. Already I feel butterflies in the belly each time I think about setting off on this trip. This is the ride I wanted to do last summer. Somehow, during one of my searches for a century ride to sign up for, I stumbled across the BTUSFMS site. I became enamored and was determined to apply. Before I went off half-cocked, though, I thought it only respectful to take the idea to the family and ask if they'd be okay if I was gone for the whole summer. Their responses ranged from Hubby saying, "What?!? Are you smokin' ganja weed?!?" to the boys exclaiming, "But who will feed us if you're not here?" I thought after letting the idea settle in for a week or two they would come around, but I was totally wrong. When I brought it up again